There are many reasons children sometimes behave unacceptably. This short list may help guide you as you strive to develop positive val­ues and lifestyle patterns within your family. How we respond to children influences how often and in what way they may repeat the behavior.

Children do not always under­stand expectations. Carla, 18 months old, may throw her spa­ghetti on the floor simply to see what will happen. She may not understand that this is not al­lowed. If the behavior is met with an explanation-such as "The spaghetti belongs on your plate, not on the floor. Now we have to clean up the mess"-she is more likely to learn what is accept­able. If the behavior does not have a consequence, or was met with shouting and threats, learn­ing doesn't occur and the behavior may be repeated later to get atten­tion. The parents' role is to teach and guide by explaining expectations.

Children get tired, hungry, and frustrated. Jeremy might throw a tantrum at the grocery store because he needs a nap, hasn't eaten or isn't feeling well. Or he might want the candy bar displayed conveniently at eye level in the checkout line and can't quite under­stand why you don't toss it into the cart with the cereal and milk. The parents' role is to take care of their child's physical needs.

Children want power and control. An important step for a child in gaining independence is to gain control over the environment. But in the interest of keeping children safe and healthy, parents have to be the boss. Riley cannot get out of her car seat, but she can pick wheth­er she wants orange juice or apple juice for breakfast. The parents' role is to set limits but give children choices when possible.

Children want attention. They also need attention, and they deserve it. They learn early on that certain responses follow certain behaviors. Giving attention for cooperative instead of uncooperative behavior is extremely important. The parents' role is to give lots of positive, nurturing attention when children get things right.

Children are children. They are not little adults. They are still learning, still practicing, and still need positive guidance. They need to be reminded often of what the rules are. The shorter the list of rules, and the more children under­stand and have input into making them, the more likely they are to remember and follow them. An important thing to remember when patience wears thin is that children need less guidance as they develop. A one-year-old takes constant su­pervision; a five-year-old is learn­ing to be more independent. The parents' role is to un­derstand the developmental stages children pass through.