I spoke to Rav Mendel Weinbach, The Steipeler, and other great people, my Rebbis in yeshiva, a few Rabonim in my town, went to a few shrinks under the pretense of "having marriage problems" (I had to hide behind the marriage issue to get my wife to be OK with me going to a shrink). Needless to say, by the time I was done trying to secretly do teshuva, I had a whole double life. I was a "normalish" frum guy on the outside, but a tortured yid on the inside.
To make matters worse, I viewed the lust problems I had - and the "teshuva" from them - as "the struggle of my life"; "My secret mission." At times, it placed me in a category above others, for I was "working on big things". I - as I see many do here on GYE - romanticized the struggle with the Yetzer Hara, as though it were some epic battle of good vs. evil that I alone could wage for the honor of Hashem. Some people go as far as to view whether they succeed or fail as something that will bring Moshiach - or delay his arrival, c"v.
If my attitude upsets you at this point, please at least give me a chance to explain. I understand that it does not sound like what most of us are told in yeshiva and s'forim:
