7 Step Process To Regaining Trust In Recovery

 (Reprint from sobernation.com)

Drug [and lust] addicts lose things. It's just what happens.

They lose money, they lose weight, they lose jobs, they lose freedom. From time to time, they will even lose their drugs. We all remember tearing our rooms and our cars apart for that little baggie that was just on our lap [or searching for that website link that was just on the top of our minds...] The struggle is real...

At the end of the road, almost every addict will lose trust. Losing trust is possibly the most painful loss of all. It's agonizing, knowing that your family hides their valuables before you come over, or hearing the tone in your mothers voice when you tell her you will do something for her and she just doesn't believe you. It fills you with guilt and shame.

Trust is never taken, it is always earned. It's one of the few Universal truths. It will always be this way, and because we are unable to take or steal trust, it makes it even harder to regain. There are no short cuts when rebuilding relationships.

I have spent a long time putting this together in my head. Together, we came up with a 7 step plan in rebuilding trust. If you want to earn someone's trust back, and you are willing to earn it, than follow us. See full article. 

(Cont'd from issue 1216)

Step Five - Don't Ask For Praise Or Expect An Award

You don't deserve a cookie or a trophy for doing what your supposed to do.

Now, there is nothing wrong with being recognized for doing well. That's what employee of the month plaques are for. But if you are trying to gain someone's trust back, there is no room for you to expect an award for doing what you need to do.

Addiction can make people do awful things. I myself have done things that I think about today, and I still feel ashamed, and my face gets all warm and embarrassed when I think about it. That's life, and we hopefully grow from those experiences. But instead of using our disease as an excuse, we have to own up to our actions.

If you do the right thing, than the feeling of being a good person should be the reward within itself. [Editor's note: As in S'char Mitzva - Mitzva, the mitzvah is its own reward]. If you are doing something with the intentions of "appearing" to be trust worthy, than you are just being manipulative.

Trust has to be earned. If you stay consistent and humble, than you can regain the trust that you've lost. You must lose the idea that you are now deserving of trust or deserving of praise. Remember, you are "earning" someone's trust back. It's up to them if and when they want to give it to you.

No matter what, keep your head up and keep moving forward.

To be continued... 

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Discuss these ideas with your friends on the forum.

Determination is completely up to us

The Vilna Gaon says that what a person says they want, and even what they feel they want, has no relation to what they actually want. The Yetzer Hara was given permission to make a person feel they want something they really don't. And the same goes for what a person feels they can or cannot do. This has no relation to what they can or can't do in reality. So believe you will succeed, even if you feel you can't!

The biggest obstacle to succeeding is not believing you can succeed. The first impediment to overcoming this struggle is not in your genes, your childhood or your environment. If you believe you can succeed and are willing to make the effort, you will find the way out. Absolutely NOTHING stands in the way of a true RATZON. You can read the recovery stories on our site to see that many people even worse off than you have successfully broken free of these behaviors.

We must truly want to break free of this Mitzrayim. Chazal say that those who didn't want to leave Mitzrayim died in the plague of darkness. Already at the outset of our journey, we must be determined that we will never give up and always keep trying, no matter what.

R' Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin writes (Tzidkas Hatzadik 154): "Just as one must believe in Hashem, so too, one must believe in himself!" Hashem wants us to BELIEVE in our strengths, our capabilities, and in our ability to overcome evil and achieve greatness.

Although we might feel stuck, determination is completely up to us. The trick to ultimate success is only to want enough. So let's be honest with ourselves. If we find that we don't want to let go fully of the lust, let's ask ourselves "why not?" Do we really need the lust? What is it doing for us? There are so many far more important things in life! When we try to hold on to the poison of lust, we are acting like little babies who kick and scream when their father tries to take the colorful little medicine pills that they thought were candies, away from them. Lust is poison! If we keep feeding it, it will ultimately destroy our lives. Let's let our loving Father take it away from us.

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Discuss these ideas with your friends on the forum.

Please note that the booklets are sent in a plain yellow envelope, reinforced to prevent tearing open. Only the sender's address (NOT GYE) and the recipient's address are on the envelope and the required Post shipping label.