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Category: Attitude
What 90 Days Can Do
By Neshama-in-charge
Ninety days ago: I was unemployed and married to a stubborn wife who blamed me for all of our marriage problems. She refused to come anymore to therapy or Rabbanim and never gave me any credit or approval. My wife never showed any interest in intimacy, but always blamed me for our lack of it and for destroying any Kedusha that she had invested in, and for violating her and then abandoning and discarding her like a used tissue. I had spent many hours and thousands of dollars on therapy, and we seemed to be getting nowhere. I resented my wife for not being willing to look at and work on whatever she was or wasn't doing that contributed to our pain and distance. I was angry with Hashem for not answering my numerous prayers for parnassa and shalom bayis. I was such a good guy - I tried so hard - I was a good husband and a great father, and here I was suffering so. I lived in Victimland. I felt stuck and hopeless. I felt I deserved to act out. And, indeed, for many years I chose to escape into a world of fantasy where I could watch and read stories and dream of getting all of the approval I needed from (non-existent) women who wanted me.
Ninety days later: BH, I'm now gainfully employed and married to an amazing, gorgeous wife who loves and supports me, who consistently transcends her own pain and looks for ways to give me credit and approval for any growth I've made and helps me succeed in all that I do. And she also makes herself vulnerable and intimate with me!
What happened that caused this huge turn-around?
No, I did not get divorced and marry someone else. I'm married to the same person. The only thing that changed was me. Let me say that again (so that I believe it): yes, I have changed.
I want to clarify so that I'm not misunderstood. It's NOT that I started to treat her nicely, and she suddenly became loving and approving. It's NOT that I decided to stop acting out, and she magically became this adoring and pretty wife that always wants me. Those expectations are just like my old fantasies that kept me in a living hell for many years.
She still blames me plenty. And she still has a hard time with intimacy, and I wish she would be more active in this area (but those wishes are poison for me). The real difference is in my ATTITUDE- and most of that is due to Hashem's everlasting kindness in helping me find GYE and all the great friends that I have made there. I have tremendous hakoras hatov: how can you not be thankful to someone for returning joy to your life after decades of pain?
Let me rewind a little: 90 days ago Hashem threw me a lifeline. I clicked on an interesting banner ad for GYE. I was fascinated with the whole system. I spent hours and hours reading through chizuk emails and forums. I posted on the forum and I spoke with a bunch of people over the phone.
I was really inspired and intrigued with the shalom bayis thread on the forum, and with Dov's amazing posts. Although I believed that all of my suffering was my wife's fault, I decided to try out the concepts I learned here. For my own sake.
I know that some people have issues with the whole 90-day count thing, but I just know that it has been working for me. It gave me a goal to focus on, and I didn't want to have to start again.
Although I believed that my fantasies and acting out had very little to do with why I was in so much pain, I chose to follow the advice of the oilam here, and commit to "sweeping my side of the street" regardless of how she treated me. To STOP acting out, period. And to start giving to her unconditionally; to not expect anything from her in return, sexual or otherwise. To recognize (or at least be open to the possibility) that my acting-out has had a major effect on my wife, my life, and my marriage. And to finally take some responsibility for my choices. To suck it up and accept that I have caused her tremendous amount of pain, even if I can't understand it. To try to connect to that pain, like she has been asking me to do for many years, without getting stuck in my own feelings of worthlessness and blame.
And now things are going great with me and my marriage. My wife has made comments to me - in moments of intimacy and otherwise - about how much she appreciates the real changes that I've been making. That is worth more than gold to me.
I know I've rambled enough, but I wanted to share the following idea: we all know the concept of "Ezer Kinegdo", as chazal say, if one is zoche she is an Ezer, and if not, she will be "Kinegdo". If you're anything like me, you might have wondered many times why you are not zoche and ended up with this Kinegdo, whose only purpose seems to be to fight you. I now believe that we have an ongoing choice: you can view her as your Ezer or as your Kinegdo, and that's exactly who you'll be married to. Everything that I wrote about my wife in the "post-90 days" paragraph has been true for a long time. I just refused to see it, my acting out clouded my vision.
I give each and every one of you a bracha that you choose to be a "zoche" and live in lasting joy with your Ezer that was handpicked especially for you by HKB"H.
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