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Born Anew

 

By Yaakov (Guard)

 

The following thoughts came to me today, on my 38th Birthday.

 

The irony of life is that just as the seed must rot in the ground before it can sprout forth with new life, we can only feel the light of our souls and achieve true joy and connection with Hashem if we first "die" to ourselves and learn to "live" for Hashem. This is a bechina of leidah, like being born anew. It sounds like a high madrega, and perhaps it is. In days of old, it took years of avodas Hashem, toil in Torah, combined with poverty, sickness and hardships, to have any hope of reaching this lofty level. So how are we, such a small generation, with so much physical abundance, comforts and pleasures all around us, supposed to ever hope to reach this level?

 

Perhaps that is why the nisyonos of arayos are so strong today. The sefarim say that this desire includes in it all other desires, for it brings forth life and contains all of life within it. By saying 'no' to ourselves again and again, we have the opportunity to slowly "die" to ourselves and begin to live for Hashem. For some of us, each time we turn away and "give it up" we feel a bit of the taste of "death". It can sometimes feels as if we are cutting out a piece of our hearts! Yet it is this very 'death' that allows us to truly LIVE. This is a great kindness that Hashem has done for us, for we can have health, parnassa, nachas and all the comforts of this world. Without even great toil or hard work, by simply REFRAINING, shev ve'al taaseh, by turning our hearts away from this great desire and asking Hashem to help us love HIM instead, we are able to slowly learn to DIE to ourselves, a little bit more every time, every day, and begin to feel the light of our souls shining forth.

 

It seems so hard. After all, even David Hamelech, who loved Hashem with all his heart, and Shlomo Hamelech, the wisest of all men, loved women with passion. When David lost his dearest friend Yonasan who was killed by the Plishtim, he said (Shmuel Beis, 1:26) "I am distressed for you, my brother Yonasan, you have been very dear to me; your love was wonderful, more than the love of women". And regarding Shlomo Hamelech it says (Melachim Alef, 11:1) "And the King Shlomo loved many foreign women". So how are we, whose love for Hashem can't compare to that of David Hamelech, and whose wisdom isn't anywhere close to that of Shlomo Hamelech, supposed to overcome this great challenge and channel our love to Hashem - the source of all love? Perhaps we indeed can't - on our own. But luckily, Hashem CAN. We just need to let Him into our lives so he can do the work for us... Hashem is like the crane that lifts a ten ton cement pillar onto the roof of a building, and we are like the little construction workers on the roof who simply guide the pillar into its place. The trick to succeeding is to get Hashem to do the heavy lifting...

 

The Pasuk says, "Kavey el Hashem, Chazak Ve'Ametz Libecha, Ve'kavey el Hashem - Hope to Hashem, strengthen and fortify your heart, and hope to Hashem". Why does the Pasuk repeat "Hope to Hashem" twice, once in the beginning and once at the end?

 

Perhaps we can explain it as follows. Whenever we want to serve Hashem, we need His help. We can't do it without Him. That's why we must first hope to Hashem for help. Then, we must trust that He WILL help us and STRENGTHEN OUR HEARTS to do His will. But, even after succeeding, we should never become complacent or think that WE did the work on our own. And that is why the Pasuk repeats again "Hope to Hashem". Because it is ONLY with His help that we can CONTINUE to succeed.

 

May Hashem help me on my birthday, about which the pasuk says (Tehillim 2:8) "Hashem has said to me, you are my son; this day I have begotten you. Ask of me, and I shall give you nations for your inheritance..." to indeed learn to truly LIVE for Him, and to be of service to Him and His people for as long as I live.

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Category: GYE Member Shares

 

 

Today is also the 19th birthday of a special GYE member from the women's side. Below is a letter she wrote - as if to herself (a few years prior), and to any others who may be in the same situation that she was a few years ago. I think we can all learn a lot from it.

 

Dear Myself,

 

I'm writing this letter to you because it is my 19th birthday this week. These nineteen years have brought me to a place I never dreamed I'd be. When I look back, I feel that certain things never should have happened to me. But let's face it, they did, and I'm dealing with them. Things may have happened to me, but that doesn't mean they have to happen to you.  I know now what you are capable of becoming, and if your anything like me- you'll be wanting to settle down, start thinking about marriage... You should know that IT'S POSSIBLE to get to this place.

 

Every time you feel that intangible emotional pain pulling you down, know that feelings pass. Allow yourself to feel, but don't act on your thoughts, no matter how powerful and dictating you perceive them to be. I feel like it is my duty to share with you what I've learnt. I hope nobody has to walk the same path I did. Even though, thank G-d I'm in a healthy and stable place today, it look several years of suffering and struggling to get to where I am now. My dream would be for you to achieve the same heights (and further) in the easiest and smoothest way. Pay attention to my words, not because I want the respect or appreciation, but because you don't know how much it would have changed my life if somebody had given me these tools, tips and advice, before I messed up. What a gift, to be able to put things right before they actually go wrong. These words are infused with meaning; they are a part of me that I want to pass on to you...

 

The first thing that I want you to know is that YOU are Hashem's child. Not only should you know this on an intellectual level, but try get to a place where you can internalize this and feel it with every fiber of your being.

 

You may be a deep thinker, clever and perceptive. That's a strength, but it can also be your biggest downfall. Don't just understand everything on a purely logical basis; work on making it become a part of you. You don't have to do stupid stuff just to feel special, different, and validated. And even if you feel compelled to act this way, know that there is a way of channeling this energy in a positive way. Learn yourself. Rav Wolbe said once that you should know yourself in such a complex way, that if you overheard your best friend and your worst enemy talking about you, nothing they say should surprise you. The more you recognize your own triggers, the easier it will be for you to identify repeating behaviors- which is key to moving forward. 

 

As I was saying... Hashem loves you. Yes YOU. And if ever you doubt the fact that He's holding your hand, know that you're the one who abandoned Him and let go of His hand, not the other way around. He's holding you tight, as you walk through the sand. If you look carefully enough, you should always be able to see two sets of footprints. And if you don't, it's not because He's deserted you. Yes, it might seem that you can only see one set of footprints in the sand, but that's because in times like those- He's got you on His shoulders. The footprints you see are Him carrying you. So talk to him like he's next to you. Every day tell Him how you feel, even if its full of negativity and resentment- because at times it will be. I'm telling you, if you have that constant awareness due to continual communication, a lot of the overwhelming feelings you might get of loneliness and isolation will dissipate. He's always on your side. Always. Nothing you can do will ever drive Him away. The fact that He's keeping you breathing another day means He wants to have one more day with you in His world. That's a responsibility, but one of the best kind. And more than that, it's comforting to know you're not only wanted, but needed. You don't choose when to end your life. You were given your life because you're strong enough to live it. So rise to the challenge instead of buckling under your self-imposed pressure. 

 

Even though you might feel like Judaism is restricting and binding - give it a chance. Please believe me when I tell you that Hashem isn't enforcing this upon you for His own good. When he introduced Halacha- He had YOU in mind!! I wrote once a list of 71 reasons why you shouldn't get involved with boys. I don't want to see you get hurt in more ways than your youthful brain could understand. Physically, let "touch" remain something you're sensitive to. Emotionally, I want you to grow up healthy, not scarred by certain events that may transpire. And above all that, I just want you to have the most safe and fulfilling relationship in the future. So even though you may have a hard time choosing between what seems like pleasure (always short-term), know that long term happiness is what's going to count. That happiness is something REAL. Something that is not dependent on external factors. Only something you've generated internally will stand the test of time. 

 

You should know that nobody is out to get you. Nobody WANTS to give you a hard time, and the people who seem like they are the most tough on you are probably the ones that care for you most. Otherwise why would they bother wasting their time 'on your case'. Please recognize that your parents are treading on eggshells around you. They cry to each-other at night worrying about you, scared to make a wrong move. So for one second, stop denying it. Stop denying their pain (or even yours) because that doesn't make the pain nonexistent.  Instead of feeling victimized and defensive, stop fighting. Put down your weapons because you're fighting a futile war. Your parents are on the same side as you. Nobody is asking you to be their best friend. Just listen to what they have to say. Listen when they tell you to come home, listen when they ask you not to spend hours online. You anyway know you're wrong by opening that laptop when they're sleeping, looking at things you shouldn't, talking to people you would never dare associate yourself with in 'real- life'. STOP hiding behind a screen. The reason this might come across harsh is because I KNOW how you feel. I was you. I am you- and I'm paying the price for it now. You need to know that those pictures, images, thoughts, lyrics, fantasies, don't leave you for a long long time, if ever. Just like what you eat becomes who you are, so too the things you immerse yourself in. What are you surrounding yourself with? Is that who you want to become? You should never know what it feels like to constantly be aware of where you're walking and who is around you so you can cross roads in order to avoid bumping into people from your past that will always haunt you. I don't want you to have to go through the emotional turmoil every time you have to throw away an old mobile number, delete yet another email address... Even though these can change your situation; ultimately, there's no escaping from yourself.

 

It's so hard to try to uncover that diamond that's hidden under so many layers of dirt, accumulated over such a long period of time; you even begin to doubt the fact that there's something there in the first place. It doesn't have to be that way. It's in your hands.

 

Surround yourself with people who are on the right path. Find yourself a mentor; someone you can learn from. Attach yourself to these healthy, balanced individuals with all your strength and never let go. For when times get dark, they will be your light.

 

As you go through life, different things will become your saving grace; take Shabbos for example. Just because it may not be something you connect to now, please don't chuck the baby out with the bathwater. Find the beauty, because when you do, there will be no looking back. You may be a very extreme person, you enjoy feeling the intensity of life, but it isn't all or nothing, black or white. Learn that now because you don't want to be picking up the pieces 10 years down the line. 

 

I know you can pick yourself up hundreds of times, I'm living proof that it's possible. The journey never ends, but make it one worth living for. You can do it. You will do it. You can achieve whatever you put your mind too. I managed to do that in the worst ways possible, now I implore you to do it with all the right things! You're different. You're special. You belong.

 

Hashem should guide you on a path of only goodness and success in every way.

 

Be'ahavah,

 

Yourself on your 19th birthday.

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