Hoshana Raba is the official close of GYE's annual "High Holiday" campaign, and it is also the last chance of the year to make a difference in what was decreed for us in the coming year. Some people stay up all night learning, and some of the Teffilos are said with the Nussach of the Yomim Noraim.

Moshe Writes:

I was hopelessly addicted, on and off, for about 10 years. I have much pain now understanding the damage that was done. I never got caught, but my neshama was severely tarnished.

I knew that there would be a price to pay for my habit. As it has worked out, my business has suffered enormously as I was often locked in my office, busy on the computers. There were days I'd come to work, log on and literally spend 8 to 10 hours acting out online. Now my business is struggling and I find myself fighting to keep our doors open. It hurts that because of my negligence, I have had to dismiss some staff including some very loyal workers.

 

Earlier this year, things really spun out of control and I actually felt like my life was physically at risk. I was pained by the estrangement I felt in my relationships with my own family - and the total disconnect I felt from Hashem. I suffered from constant anxiety and physical pain. I could not have existed one day more. Thankfully, I found GYE and connected to the site, joined Shlomo's 12-Step call when I could, and spoke to some guys early on, and recovery kicked in quickly.

For the first few months. I felt almost euphoric, but lately it's back to grinding out time. I believe that is a normal feeling in this strange world of addiction/recovery. It is true that it is like a step by step process. I know that recovery is a lifelong pursuit, but the whole thing is starting to feel very far away from me.

 

I get a lot of chizuk from reading about 12 Steps and recovery. I've already clocked up 190 days sober since joining GYE. Since my sobriety date, Feb 24th, 2014, I feel HaShem is back in my life, and while I have this problem with my business, I feel Him watching over me in other parts of my life. Let's just say, we are getting along a whole lot better!!

 

By Growing Yid

A long time (decades) before I "fully conceded to my innermost self" that I was an addict, it was unmistakable and obvious to me that I looked at bodies lustfully, and that was shallow and superficial, and even painful to me.  I didn't want to stop, but I also did want to stop.

More and more, I am ceasing the lustful gazing, and it is is a greater pleasure than even the most lustful looks I ever took.  And I was pretty experienced at the lustful looks, with decades and decades of practice.

Now, more and more, I can see a woman and have a healthy conversation, such as during business, or socially, and come away with a feeling of respect - for me and for her. I know G-d is watching, and I think He is finally getting nachas from me about this! I also know the women can feel and tell where I am coming from - both in a recovery mode and in my former default lust mode.

At work, I need to interact with all kinds of people, to varying degrees.  Some of these people inevitably seem attractive to me.  I have learned to see them as people.  With problems, joys, pains, and the need for privacy and boundaries, just like me.  I ask G-d for help, and He helps me - He helps me to see a human and not an object. When I am willing to change, He helps me.

And once in a while, I see that a woman, whose home I am working in, has some recovery literature.  So  I pray for help, and ask for guidance about whether to  talk about recovery with her, if it seems right.  We have the opportunity to connect with each other's humanity and with our common hopes to be more spiritual.  I don't have to tell her what program I am in, and she doesn't have to tell me about hers. We have much in common, and we don't have to reveal everything.

When I have these conversations, they have always worked, thank G-d. 

The pleasure I am getting from being honest with myself - working hard  to see real, whole humans, and having much better boundaries with my three garments of expression - action, words and, of course, thoughts - has brought me deeper satisfaction than all the fantasy and gazing I have ever done. I am very grateful for that.

Let's answer this question with another question. Why does Sukkos fall out when it does? Sukkos has ties with yetzsias mitzrayim and wandering in the desert. It has nothing to do with Tishrei. So why does it fall out on the 15th of Tishrei?