Gibbor's Story
Yesterday we wished a hearty Mazal Tov to Gibbor for 5 years clean. Today he posted his inspiring story on the forum. He also sent us the following e-mail:
Thank you so much for all you do for me and others. The GYE website has been a catalyst for a life richer and better than I thought possible. It freed me from shackles I thought I may never shed. May Hashem bless you in all your endeavors, especially your GYE endeavors!
Gibbor's Story:
I am truly humbled to say that I have not masturbated or looked at pornography for 5 YEARS! My sobriety anniversary date was yesterday - June 8th. Like many here, I started young, some time around my bar mitzvah. I was completely obsessed. At times, I tried to stop putting together "streaks" of a couple weeks, perhaps a month or two, once or twice I managed for several months.
But, I always came back and came crashing down. Over time, my binges got worse and I needed them more. I took risks that I would not normally take, and finally on 6/8/2009 my wife caught me. She was shocked. I was embarrased. I had let my eshes chayil down. She didn't know who I was. Was I the person she married or a fake? How could I have fooled her for so long (12 years)?
We had a lot of conversations, we spoke to our Rav and he calmed my wife down some, but those days were very painful. The first days and weeks were especially tough, but over time, we began to heal.
I managed to stay sober for 2 years before finding GYE. At first the initial shock of my wife finding out kept me sober. Over time, I found myself white-knuckling. I was only holding on because I remembered the pain of my wife finding out. I had resolved to be honest with her. If I was not, and she caught me again, she would never trust me again, and our marriage would take a big blow. I couldn't let that happen.
Then I found GYE. I read the handbook, and so many things began to click. I had a totally new understanding of what I was up against, and I was learning tools to deal with it. I found that just realizing that I was not alone, that there were "reasons" why I acted out, and there were tools to deal with it gave me chizzuk. I found the attitude tools especially helpful. Just thinking about my addiction in a different way, was very helpful.
The handbook was the catalyst for more (and deeper) discussions with my wife. Now I had a text to refer to and share. There was someone ("Mr. Handbook") who understood exactly what I was going through. It helped my wife to see, and to a small extent, understand what I was going through (women can never completely understand).
I started posting. There was a community that cared about me, that had the same experiences as me, and had some answers. I asked a lot of questions, and began my journey to positive sobriety. Not simply the absence of acting out, but learning the tools of positive living.
I made some friends here and called them. I learned that isolation is my biggest enemy. I tend to isolate and live inside my head. I had to get out and share my feelings.
Dov, in particular helped me a lot. Though he confused me, and still does, somehow his words made sense and helped me. I joined his 12 step phone conference and shared my story with the group. I felt very liberated. Somehow, talking about my history of acting out took a large burden off my shoulders. I could discuss my problem very openly and be accepted. It helped me to accept myself as I am.
It's hard for me to beleive that it has been 5 years. Sobriety isn't always easy, but it's worth it. My obsession ruled over me for over 20 years. Finally, I have some freedom from it.
In a way I have a bigger challenge now. It's easy to get complacent. If I were to act out today, I have no doubt that I would fall further than before. That fear, the fear of going back to a place where I had no control. Where I did things I did not want to do, but could not stop. I don't want to ever go back there.
I need to remind myself of how terrible I felt, and how much I don't want to go back down that road.
It is still a struggle. At times more, and at times less. I keep up with some friends. I still post. I talk to my wife about it every so often, but much less than before.
My life has improved dramatically in the last 5 years. I have changed. Even my wife has noticed. I am calmer. I can let go of my OCD (used loosely, not diagnosed) and perfectionism more easily. I am in a much better place. I have not "made it". There is no such thing. It is a journey that has no end. I'm just happy to keep truckin and have the best bunch of buddies to truck with.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
