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GuardYourEyes Chizuk E-Mail (No. 1142)

Getting stronger every day!

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Avrom's Story

To all my dear brothers,

I'm clean for about 130 days already B"H, and I want to post my story to share with the oilam "what worked for me", what really made a difference and what was less helpful.

Also I want you to see that GYE website is more than just the website - it's a train station! In the beginning I was on the wrong train - but I returned over and over again, until I was able to get on to the right one.

So if your recovery doesn't go as planned, don't worry, keep coming back and you will see results.

Since I was 10, I'd been looking at inappropriate stuff. As I grew older, my dark side within always grew along with me. I would spend hours every night after yeshiva watching movies and porn. I used to start by telling myself, "movies are not that bad." Then, after a couple of hours of watching movies - I felt terribly empty and like a complete failure. How could I, one of the best guys in yeshiva, waste so much time watching this nonsense? This feeling is so unbearable that the only thing that seemingly could soothe it was porn. Or so I thought then, but after having watched porn and having masturbated - that feeling just got worse and worse.

It was terrible double life. On the outside a good bochur, learning the entire day... and yet so rotten on the inside. Any recognition or compliment would be accompanied by a ringing voice in my head "You don't deserve this! You are a pervert!"

I tried to stop - but I could not! I needed the relaxation (read: escape) that I would get from movies. I could not live without movies.

The night I found GYE... I just had come to a new Yeshiva in EY. A new country, a new chevra with a rather old vision of "never again!" Chanukah was very inspiring, and I thought I had found the golden path. And then I crashed, so low - I didn't want to get up again. I was tired fighting. I desperately tried to find another movie - I needed to escape this terrible life I was in... instead I landed on GYE!!!

Now here something that may help you too:

When I singed up I made a firm decision: WHATEVER IT TAKES!! I made up my mind that no matter what I would need to d - I would do. Even if it meant going to real SA meetings.

Being a bochur gave me an extra incentive - I need to be ready for marriage! Only later was I taught by my sponsor: "Sobriety is for sobriety - not for my future wife or for anything else", which proved essential.

My first post (about 18 months ago) took me about three days to write. I was very scared. I joined the 90-day chart and made some heavy duty TaPHSiC shvuos. I knew I was saved.

Wrong!!! Nothing really changed within me - and I fell. I did post about it, payed my TaPHSiC dues (which included a fast). But I was still falling...

OK, so it was time take it a step further: I started chatting with guys on the forum. It was the first time I ever was so open to someone else about this. We spoke about the type of stuff I was watching - during that chat my entire body was shivering. It felt like real change. I also started a thread on the forum, where I would update my status and share my thoughts of the week - I felt safe.

BANG! I fell again. Harder than ever before. I knew it was time to take it to the next level. So I went to visit a shrink. Turns out the theme in my life was "I am a failure! Even though I was a very good bochur and all - but I myself didn't feel that way. "I should be learning 24/7! I should be the most sociable bochur! I should be perfect! - and I'm NOT!" This "I'm a failure" message was such an intrinsic part of me, I didn't know any different. This was the way life was.

It took a while to change this, and it was work. I needed to let out all my fears, all my expectations and my deepest emotions. Turns out that I'm not such a bad guy after all! But in order to see that, I needed to accept myself - with all my dark and uncomfortable sides. And wow! Life has changed so much in the past year. In the past when I woke up late - I would really hate myself. Often I needed to act out before I even could consider to get out of bed. Now, even if I wake up late - I'm Ok with it. I have so many great parts to myself, so from time to time I oversleep - nu nu! That happens!

40 clean days - I was dancing with joy! I knew that I'm over the hill.... Then I fell once again!

I think Hashem sends us this nisayon to guide us in a certain direction. And if we refuse to take the necessary steps, we will get hit again and again until we let go and accept to take the necessary steps. However, it seemed I wasn't on the right track yet... But where do I go from here?

Then a live GYE group was formed in Yerushalayim. And I joined. We had weekly meetings and shared. It was helpful, but what made the group really valuable were the friendships I was able to make there. Friendships like none other - being able to talk about anything and not be judged. However, I was only was able to stay clean for about a month. I fell every month like clockwork.

Then it was bein hazmanim (vacation), which was always a complete disaster. It remained a disaster, BUT my perspective had changed - and this was the beginning of my recovery.

What happened? I listened to a shiur that was posted on the forum. The speaker explained the dynamics of "change" - how can a person "change"? One of the points was a real eye opener: "You have to realize that when you make a decision to change - it's purely up to God. So when the change worked even for one day - you have to say Hallel and thank God for this miracle. HOWEVER if the change did not work out - that's totally fine. You are the same person that you have been all along. And Hashem said no for today! So there is no reason to get angry at yourself for not having made "the grand break through".

With this mindset - I continued acting out - guilt free. I was ready to accept that some things won't change over night.

I was able to live a very rich life during those days. Even though I was still acting out, I was "tasting" what life really was supposed to be like. This was my first step into real recovery.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I joined "Duvid Chaim's Conference Calls", they were very good and I felt it was doing me a lot of good. Still not managing to stay clean for substantial amount of time, Duvid Chaim told me "Let's meet by a "real SA meeting" - it's what separates the Men from the Boys".

In the end, I realized SA is not for me, not at this point. I continued SA for the suggested "trial-period", but that's where it ended. I encountered what real humility is - seeing a 65 year old frum man who starts weeping about powerlessness touched me deeply.

I know that working the 12 Steps helps me tremendously - and I still continue working them. I also know that if I don't take care of my issue, it will progress to real addiction and I will need SA again. So I'm happy that I already walked through that door because if I ever will need it again, I won't have to break the ice another time.

So now I'm somehow clean already for 130 days... I am at the end of my letter and I'm wondering: "What really made the change?" The answer is, I am not so sure. I needed to start at the bottom of the ladder and slowly climb up every step.. from TaPHSiC all the way to SA, until I found what works for me.

For right now:
(1) Fully open relationships to share about the struggle
(2) the live GYE meetings
(3) working the 12 Steps.
These are the three pillars upon which my sobriety stands.

I would like to thank GYE for... my Life! I am no different than a patient that needed a kidney transplant. My blood was so filthy, I was about to die. Thanks for everything!

And a special thanks also to Dov - who was like the surgeon. When I first spoke to him it really hurt, but that's what doctors do. He sent me to a therapist. I will never forget him.

And finally, thank you Hashem, I don't know why I was put into this Nisayon but I'm glad to have reached this point. I've become stronger in many ways. "Porn" was just the tip of the iceberg, and if not for porn - I guess life would have collapsed in one way or another, at a much less convenient point later on in life. So thank you Hashem for giving me the strength to change.

Help me continue (for today), together with all brothers here on GYE.