Two Beautiful (but very different) Perspectives
on this Struggle
Bava Batra tells his Journey to "Reb Yid"
A brief intro : I grew up completely non-religious. I came to Israel for what was supposed to be a year, which turned into 10+ years. As my knowledge of Hebrew fluency increased, I started dabbling in Mishnah and studying other holy books just for a hobby. About 4 years ago I started prodding my wife about being religious, but she wasn't willing. Then the miracle happened... she insisted suddenly two years ago on keeping taharat mishpacha. After that, we kashered the house. I started keeping Shabbat strictly about one year ago. (My wife is almost Shomer Shabbat). Now I go to the synagogue three times a day, study Torah each day, wear tzitzit hidden under my pants and I jump in a mikvah at least 3-4 times a week. I guess I am what they call a Chozar b'tshuva, although I hate the label.
Taharat mishpacha put me in a difficult position. Suddenly I was now two weeks without a release, and for me, this was unbearable. In the two years we have been observing taharat mishpacha, I have never passed a niddah cycle without masturbating at least once. I feel physical pain in my abdomen like the tank is full.
Last January, I bought a copy of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. I started thumbing through it and got to the portion about the severity of the aveira of masturbation. I said to myself I am in big, big trouble!!!! I got back and I started yelling at a Breslov rabbi I know as to why the rabbis around the world aren't shrieking about the severity of spilling seed in vain. He fired back that many rabbis suffer from this so they don't talk about it. I shut up.
Nevertheless, from all of shiurim ranging from Torah, Talmud, Kabbalah, Shulchan Aruch, etc. that an ignorant Jew like me with no background managed to learn in the last five years, it seems clear to me that the neshamot of this generation are here to correct Emunah and Pgam Habrit. (Obviously Hashem has made this world of open immorality and immodesty a real challenge for those that want to correct Pgam Habrit.)
When I first learned about Pgam Habrit, I started a crusade to fix it. But I was quickly very disheartened as to how it seemed impossible. I also noticed that when I had a fall, my spiritual level, or level of feeling connected to Hashem dropped significantly. Soon it became clear to me that I am completely helpless against this. Although I am not a Breslover, I do think that they (and Rabi Nachman) have it right, vis-a-vis pgam Habrit and Hitbodedut. So the next time around when my wife became a niddah, I started spending the day talking to Hashem ... Saying that I am helpless against fighting this problem and begging him to help and have mercy on me. Every Shema Koleinu in the amidah, I also stop, cry and beg. I also try to immerse in the mikvah daily (but not always possible). I am careful to stay in the bathroom only the minimum time needed, to ritually wash my hands upon leaving, and to say the Nusach Ari version of the Bedtime Shema.
Two nights ago when I felt the wave of lust starting after 15 minutes laying in bed, I jumped out of the bed. The upside is that I did not release. The downside is that I did not sleep and suffered at work the next day. Last night, I fell asleep normally. I can only tell you that B"H it has been nearly 21 days without a manual release, and if I get through this week, I can easily get to the 40 day mark easily, since my only real challenge is during the niddah cycle.
If I have captured the problem correctly, it appears to me that the "game tactic" here in this world is getting to the point where you can clean the slate and keep it clean. That is, to clean the accumulated effect of Pgam Habrit. Pgam Habrit creates these demon souls not attached to a body, who are technically your kids and attack you from the side of evil demanding revenge daily. If you do no tshuva, they stay with you until you die. If you do tshuva, you return these millions of demon souls back to the bank of souls and free yourself from this tumah dragging you down.
I am writing to you because I noticed that you have gone something like 500+ days without falling, tzaddik. I am curious to know if you have gotten to the point where you applied the "game tactic" described above, or you have just trained and conditioned your body not to release?
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Reb Yid Responds:
Dear Bava Batra,
Welcome to GYE. Your journey sounds amazing, with a ton of ups and downs. While the idea of Nidah being difficult is the obvious connection between us, my story is vastly different than yours. I would be happy to share some of my experience and see if we may be able to find a solution for you together.
While I hear all that you are saying, many of the thought patterns you describe were very unhealthy for me. I believe that I am sick, not bad. I don't believe I need to deal with the sin. I feel like I need to learn how to be well. Thoughts like sin, forgiveness, and something staying with me forever don't help me stay sober. They take my focus away from my "medicine" and put it onto something else. I am not telling you what you should do; I am only telling you what works for me.
You see I am an addict. I am addicted to lust. Addiction is like a medical condition. It's not something I can pray away or do Teshuva from. That is why all of the things you are describing did not work for me for the long term when I tried them. What works for me is my program that deals with the addiction.
As I said before, if you are not an addict then what I have to offer will not be the right advice for you. I respect that and wish you the best.
Let me give you some of my background: I have never masturbated in my life. I have never had the urge have an extra marital affair. And all of my porn viewing and reading of erotic literature never affected my marital sex. It never replaced my wife, and I have loved my wife and expressed that to her for the full 15 years of my marriage. Yet still, I am absolutely certain that I am addicted to lust.
How did I come to terms with the fact - and I believe it to be a fact - that I am an addict? For me it was simply this: I was doing something that I hated doing. It went against my religion. It was being untrue to my wife, I felt miserable after I did it every single time, I swore over and over again that I would never do it again, I prayed, fasted, got Brochos from big Rabbis, learned more, did Teshuva, cried on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, and still couldn't stop!!! That told me all I needed to know. I am a very intelligent guy with a tremendous amount of will power. I am successful, I'm a Rebbe, I love to learn and I'm really good at it, I give Mussar speeches to kids and adults all the time, and I really mean what I say. And at the same time, I can't stop watching porn and reading erotic literature!!! That makes no sense to me. It just doesn't add up. So the only answer 2 options I had were either I am a fake and a fraud and I don't really want to stop, or I am a sick man with an addiction who needs help. For many years I believed I was a phony. The shame and guilt of that reality was like living through Hell every minute of every day. And then I found GYE. There I learned about the addiction. There I posted and met others who were suffering just like me. There I found tapes and articles that showed me that I am in fact not bad, but sick. And since then, my life has been different.
My friend - I am not telling you that my story is yours. I am also not telling you who or what you are. I am only asking and begging you for one thing: Please be honest with yourself. Continue to do what you can to stay away from masturbation. Continue to take whatever route you feel is best for you. But don't suffer the way I did!! If you've tried everything and you still can't stop, if you are getting down and depressed and don't know what else to try, please consider that this thing may be more powerful than you are and look into the possibility of being an addict. You owe it to yourself to be honest.
I send you my Brocha that you should find an easy way out of your problem and be who you want to be. And if at any point in the future you would like to revisit this issue, please feel free to call me at any time!!!
Wishing you the best of Hatzlacha,
Reb Yid
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