Link of the Day
Pathway out of addiction
Amazing shiur on addiction by Rabbi Wallerstein
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Sorry sir, I cannot go there at the present time
By Cordnoy
Here are some of the thoughts and mindset that I remember from the 18 hr binge I had 62 days ago..... There was a build up of slipping for almost two weeks It was so enjoyable The excitement was intense The feelings were fabulous The euphoria was overwhelming
The fall was devastating I remember looking down from the balcony of the 15th floor at the magnificent view down below, saying to myself, "I am as low as the deepest valley in the distance; perhaps I should join them." I was talking to my friend (who helps me out of these messes), who asked me if I'm really contemplating this, and I replied that although I wasn't really, but "why not?" I said, "I am filth!" I was letting all that I am close to down by my egregious behavior - so why not really let them down? But the obvious answer was that I have so much to live for. And it was at that point that I said to myself, "If I have so much to live for, then why am I not living?" Why am I allowing my life to be so unmanageable? And yes, I already knew that I was powerless once the lust button kicks in, but it is my actions and thoughts that allow it to enter in the first place. And I knew that I needed a commitment of some action, something that I had been fighting against for the previous 7 months of so-called sobriety, I knew it was time to take that step... There was no turning around. So I researched and found an SA group that I can attend, and I made it my business to go every week. (Have I missed once or twice since then? Yes, but it is always on my schedule). Some will say that you need to do the program. Others will say that a sponsor is required. You will have people say to write down all your history; work the steps, etc. And all that is true and good. Who knows what step will work for each person? I certainly don't! But what I do know is this: Do something that is difficult for you to do; something that you have contemplated in the past, but for whatever reason (ego, pride, time, etc.) you decided against. That one step, imho, will propel you onward. I am not a fellow that has been recovering for 12 years, so I am no expert. I am recovering today! Honestly, I do not pay attention to the past, and I do not look forward to the future. Not because I don't want to, but rather because I can't! In order for recovery to work, in my case, I must have all my senses to make the right decision right now. My desires now are second looks, clicking where I shouldn't (and I don't have a filter or accountability software). Together with God, or only thru Him, I was given the strength... for right now, for this moment... to say, "Sorry sir, I cannot go there at the present time, for if I do, I will end up in a pool of blood sprawled across the San Fernando Valley, and my last waking moment would have been passing by the sights of God's beautiful world, one that I was too damn egotistic about to take advantage of, and one that I needed to separate from to satisfy my lustful desires." Oh no! I'll stay on the ground floor. I won't look up, and I won't look down... straight ahead... at the moment I am being give by God right now. Perhaps this will help you; perhaps others.....it definitely is helping me....and you know for how long? You guessed it! Just for today. b'hatzlachah
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