|
The Best Guy in Yeshiva
A great thread on our forum
lipa.bob writes:
I just don't know what to do anymore.... I am considered from the top guys in Yeshiva. I learn about 12 hours a day but I just keep slipping... I just don't know what to do... PLEASE HELP!
TehillimZugger responds:
Welcome. I'm also the best guy in yeshiva, and I know some more chevra from the forum here that were the best guys in THEIR Yeshivos. No big deal.
See the problem with me was, while being the "best guy in Yeshiva" I was busy lying and cheating [subconsciously] and indulging in all sorts of selfish behaviors.
So I discovered that as long as I looked for a solution while continuing to believe that I was "The best guy in yeshiva", I couldn't find one. Only when I admitted I was sick, that I am a Lustaholic, and I turned to others with the same illness who were cured and tried to imitate what they did - that's when I got better!
MendelZ Responds:
I was also considered the best in yeshiva (by the rosh yeshiva and others) but it didn't do me diddly squat. I could learn and daven and be a real inspiration to those around me, yet somehow find myself masturbating numerous times a day. We aren't complete fakers, however - just naive, me-thinks.
A side note: In some ways, the guys who think they are the "best" in yeshiva feel the dissonance of their lives more accurately than others. If we are the "best" then why do we not feel simcha? How could we be so aduk in taavah? Why are we so full of ourselves? It doesn't jive, and it moves us, like you are being moved, to seek answers and assistance. People who don't look at themselves as the "best" might not be as troubled by this issue to go through what it takes. I'm conjecturing based on my own experience so take it for what it is. The answers will come from speaking to people on GYE.
If it's any consolation, things can get much better. It's still hard for me to believe how "free" I feel sometimes. It's a constant struggle to maintain clarity, but one day at a time you will also find what works for you. If your experience thus far tells you anything, it should be that you can't handle this on your own.
When we turn to Hashem and ask for help, it has to be "help on His terms". In other words, you must be ready and willing to give up whatever it takes to be helped - not an easy task. But rest assured that the real world is a whole lot better than the imprisonment we feel when we are stifled by lust. Keep posting!
TehillimZugger responds:
MendelZ, I don't believe the good fellow will understand much of what you are saying yet. I was highly active on this site for over two years before I allowed sense to be knocked into me. All the while I was freely dispensing advice, and wonder of wonders, I actually managed to help people, even though I didn't believe in a word of what I was saying.
The reason I couldn't allow anything to penetrate was because I hung around GYE just intellectually, while the masturbating was happening with my entire body being involved in the acting out! So obviously the solution couldn't be just in the mind.
I thought it could, after all, wasn't my mind the strongest in the Yeshiva? Certainly it could take care of a little fly that to tzaddikim (like me) "appeared as a mountain".
But I learned the hard way that my mind alone couldn't take me out. I needed to take ACTION!
| 
