B"H

To the precious GYE family,

I'd like to share with you some of my feelings. Today is a very special day for me, as I reached 180 days of sobriety. How can I thank GYE for all that I gained and learned? The truth is, I feel like I became more of a human being. As we all know, insanity and lack of control have become major parts of our lives due to our disease. Before I was Zoche to connect to GYE I was just so lost. Here I am, a respectable Bochur in Yeshiva, who wants to grow, and yet at the same time just keeps on falling. Time and time again, I would fall and then feel so upset and angry with myself, but somehow bad feelings didn't stop me the next time. I just couldn't understand it. "Am I nuts?" I would wonder. "I am such a faker"." If my friends would only know"... I knew it was killing me, but I didn't know the way out. I'm sure many of the precious Yidden out there know what it feels like to be torn between two worlds. But the tricky part of all this is the fact that we suffer through it ourselves. We may think we're the only ones, and we are just so lost. Then B"H I finally became aware of GYE. I felt I found a program that understands me in a way I never believed was possible. All of a sudden, I see that my struggle, the havoc and insanity, are all addressed and understood. As I started learning and hearing what the programs offered, it was so comforting to know that I am not in this alone. Then I (joined the 12-Step phone conference and) learned about the relationship between R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability, Discontent) and acting out. That's mamash me! I couldn't believe all this is something that's already understood and "registered". This brought me a strong feeling of being understood, and not alone.

I would like to share some of the ideas and techniques that help me. First of all, the TaPHSiC method I found was a great help to minimize the whole urge. When you know you are going to get "punished", whether you have to give money that you can't afford to Tzedaka, or not eat the next day, it sort of switches off the urge. Like Yaakov from GYE told me (on the hotline), of course, this only really works (for the long-term together) with working the 12-Steps, but either way I found it a great help to get started and keep me going.

The idea of giving over the lust to Hashem has worked wonders. We can literally take the urge to look at something and turn to Hashem and say, "Hashem please, I am giving this over to you. I don't want it. It kills me. Please take it." What better Korbon can we sacrifice? This is especially helpful when we already experience "hitting rock bottom while still on top" (or not still on top). We come to realize that the lust is our biggest enemy, not our good friend. As appealing as it is, behind the mask is the poison waiting to destroy everything we have. The Balei Mussar say, it's like sugar coated mud. We lick and enjoy, until we reach the real essence. Only then do we see the face of our destructive and vicious enemy.

It's very painful when I think who knows where I would be today without all that this has done to me. Who knows to what great heights I could have reached?!

 But the truth is, it's just the opposite. When we take the bull by the horns and wrestle him down, we ultimately come to our shleimus. Hashem doesn't need a bunch of angels on this world, there are probably millions in Heaven. Hashem needs us, me and you, to struggle and fight and never give up. That in itself is the reason we were created.

Like the sefarim tell us, many times the way to the greatest light is through the darkness. It's not just a default, a bidi'eved. It's the stairs up to the greatest heights. How else and where else would I have an opportunity to really work on changing myself from a taker to a giver?! After all my years in Yeshiva, as much as I did gain, did I ever have the push to really bring Hashem into my personal life? To try and make myself into a real Yid who's connected to Hashem?! It's only now that I was in the most helpless and darkest situation, that I'm privileged to take the beautiful route to personal change and growth.

I'm very grateful for the understanding you gave me, that dealing with the addiction should come before everything. I finally realized that the most important thing in my life, even in the areas of learning and davening, is to do everything I can to get cured . When the thought comes to mind, "I need to learn, I can't waste so much time on this", I now know it's my Yetzer Hara speaking. He knows good and well that all he needs to do is disconnect me and I'm his.

How true it is what we're taught here (on GYE) and warned about being a "dry drunk". It's not over after a long period of sobriety. We need to stay connected and keep on growing.

May Hashem bless all of the special Yidden who are battling His battle. May he give us strength to overcome our addiction, and experience the beautiful life that is waiting for us. I hope all of us will keep growing and never give up, and eventually bring out the best in ourselves, to the great delight of our dear Father in Heaven.

Thanks again, sincerely,

A Trying Yid.