I'd like to post the full strategy that I've come up with and that's been helping me stay clean for over 100 days B"H, including around 60 days with access to unfiltered internet.
Most, if not all of this, are not my chiddushim, all I did was take ideas that I've seen around the site and chose what worked for me.
One more thing, this whole plan is for non-addicts (which I believe myself to be) and if you are addicted then this is probably not the right thing because it's only designed to stop the acting out not to deal with the underlying problem(s) that are causing the addiction.
The strategy has two parts.
Part one
What do I need?
Commitment
Why?
Without commitment there are two problems:
1) You don't have a clear picture of the battle
2) When it gets tough, which it almost inevitably will, then without a commitment there's no reason not to fall.
How to get it?
Take a piece of paper and write down the benefits that you get out of p*** and m*********, such as: it makes me feel good, it provides an escape, it relieves my sexual desires, it's an exciting activity to do when I'm bored, etc.
Then write down the reasons that you want to stop, such as: it makes me feel disconnected from reality, from Hashem, and from real women, it makes me feel like a hypocrite, it's a serious aveirah, it makes me waste tons of time, it makes me feel like I can't control myself, etc. (if you need more reasons then take a look at the 90,000 not to act out thread).
Now be honest with yourself and decide whether or not it's worth it for you to stop. If you decide that it would be worth it to stop, then write down the following:
"I am making a rational and thought out decision to stop watching, fantasizing, watching p***, and m******. Even though I will not be able to use this as an escape or for excitement, or to relieve my sexual desires when I desperately feel the need to [fill in the rest of the benefits]. The reason I want to stop is because these benefits are not worth the downsides of this habit which are, the serious aveirah that I'm transgressing each time I act out, and the feelings of hypocrisy and lack of self discipline that I feel [fill in the rest of the reasons to stop] due to this behavior. Therefore, I choose to commit myself to the plan in order to help me control myself.
Note: Feel free to use your own language while writing this.
Part two
What?
The plan
Why?
Without a plan it's almost impossible to stay clean, even if you're completely committed.
How does it work?
The plan has three parts
1) Prevention: This includes filters and accountability software, shmiras einayim and machshava, gedarim, tefillah and posting on the forum.
- Filters and accountability software
This means that every device with internet capabilities has a filter, and if necessary accountability software, and if you can't put a filter on a computer then you don't use it - or use it only in a way that you wont fall. If you find a loophole then you plug it up either technically (like blocking the site) or with a TaPHSiC method or the like.
This is the way easier said than done, plain old not looking at, or thinking about women unnecessarily. This is where a large part of the battle starts. The reason for this (among others) is because if we move up our struggle to shmiras einaim then the struggle for worse than that becomes a lot easier.
This in my opinion is one of the most important parts. What it means is looking at your past falls and seeing the patterns that led to it. Then making gedarim for yourself so as not to get into the position and patterns that cause you to fall. An example is that I realized that most of my falls happen later at night after going on a "semi-kosher" site. So I made gedarim not to be online past a certain time and not to go onto that site at all. A similar idea would be not to use the internet with a locked door etc.
If we realize that Hashem is in charge then it makes sense to ask him for help in this struggle. This is pretty simple, just say a little tefillah (in middle of shemonah esrei if you like) asking Hashem to help you with the struggle.
This is the most fun and fulfilling part in my opinion. Just post when you feel weak, when you're bored you can go to the "Just Having Fun" section, and of course give chizzuk and advice to other members. This helps tremendously because if you see (and say) the ideas enough, then it becomes much more real to you, plus you have the added benefit of having helped people in the struggle. And if you post chizzuk and help others often then it will be harder for you to fall because "what will everyone I helped think?".
2) Stage one: This is the first moment that you realize that you mind is thinking about the wrong things. Once this happens then realize that this is the best time to win the battle because from here it just gets harder and harder. Some of the tools that I've seen to deal with the first thought before it gets any further are the blow it up method, saying a tefillah to surrender the thought to Hashem, or thinking about a prepared question.
This is a personal favorite of mine, It's very simple. When you realize that you're thinking about these things then just blow the thought up. And if it happens again, then just blow it up again. I find it pretty fun, to "get revenge" on the thoughts and think of different ways to blow it up each time.This is where i saw it.
- Saying a tefillah to surrender the thought to Hashem
This is a famous one from SA (I think) I'm going to quote alexeliezer: "Guarding my mind from fantasies and mental images was, and continues to be, the greater challenge. This would include the thought that I feel like masturbating or doing even worse. For this, I have found tefilla -- immediate, repetitive, and incessant tefillah, the only hope. I use the following nusach every time a lustful thought or images tries to take a seat in my mind: "Ribono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable. Only You can restore me to sanity. I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don't want to lust. I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah (and an appropriate attraction and interaction with my aishes chayil). I surrender my lust to you. Please take my lust". There are many different versions of the tefillah and some people find it helpful to make up their own version.
- Thinking about something else
This is some_guy's idea here to use his words: "I came up with a really good trick. Think of something interesting right now. I really like science, so I think of a theory or paradox. Make sure you really like the subject. If you need help, think about explaining your subject to a child. Once you have decided on a topic you are truly interested in, stop thinking about it. Whenever you see women on the street, or anything like that, the Yetzah Hara will always puts ideas and desires into your head. When that happens you need to remember that curious topic you picked earlier. Because you genuinely are interested in that idea, your mind naturally starts pondering it very deeply. This drowns out the Yetzah Hara until the moment has passed. I suggest thinking about your topic for a while to make sure that you have calmed down.
3) stage two: This is when the urge already has you in its grips and you feel like you're definitely going to fall. What you need here is some time for either you to tell yourself that you don't really want to do this, or for someone else to tell you it. The main thing to remember is that it is never too late until you actually fall, and that even if you're at the computer with the address typed in you can still close the window.
The tools from stage one are still what you should be using to deal with this, but what we need for this stage is a tangible reason to stop plus a little bit of breathing room to help us think straight. For that, the TaPHSiC method is perfect, it gives some time plus you can use that time to get someone (or yourself) to help you. The Taphsic method In my opinion, the real genius of this method is that it gives you time to not fall (by telling you that you can fall later at a lower cost). What would probably be the most effective as the first part of the method (with the big knas) is to come here and speak to someone, or to post on the i'm about to fall thread, or of course speak to someone on the phone if you can. You do have to do this right though, and make sure that you're going to pay the knas in the event that you fall, but that it will sting enough to make you not want to in the first place.
I do want to add that this is not meant to be permanent, and eventually you shouldn't need the TaPHSiC anymore since your struggle should get a lot easier after a significant amount of time (at least 90 days if not more)
This is a bit of a dangerous one. On the one hand, it's a pretty good deterrent since you don't want to have to restart your count. But some people find that this becomes their focus, and also if you fall then if it means too much to you it can become very hard to get up afterwards. I think that the key is to just use it as chizzuk that you managed to make it so far and if you fall ch"v, then remember that the streak is still with you forever. Another danger is that it can cause you to feel very confident and get lulled into a false sense of security, to this we have to remember to always be on guard even after 1,000 days clean, imho this is what chaza"l mean by "ain apitropus l'arayos (there is no guardian in areas of immorality). That no matter how good we are, the danger is still there.
None of these methods are foolproof, but so far this has been working for me. As for posting often, this is my 320th post which will make me a platinum boarder. The only way up now is to become a moderator :-)
