St. Patrick's Day
Q: What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
A: Paddy O'Furniture
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock.
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks
on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A: Sure, they're great at shorthand!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A: Short ribs!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A: To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A: He took a shortcut!
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant
Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A: When it's a FRENCH fry!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered!
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green
Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
A: They need all the luck they can get!
Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover?
A: Because you shouldn't press your luck!
Q: What type of bow cannot be tied?
A: A rainbow.
Q: Why did the elephant wear green sneakers?
A: Her red ones were in the wash!
Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: What did the leprechaun do for a living?
A: He was a short-order cook!
Q: Why does it take four Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.
Do you serve ladies at this bar?
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop-duster, how his day had gone. "It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?'
The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."