Here are a few antique jokes:
Whilst clearing out the attic in the family home, a man finds a rather nice painting and a tatty old violin. Remembering that such things should never be discarded before being valued, he takes them to the local auction house to show an expert. "Well, this is interesting, sir," says the auctioneer, "what you have here is a Turner and a Stradivarius. Have you heard of either of them?" The man replies, "Very vaguely, the names ring a bell somewhere, why?" "Well, unfortunately for you, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter;.. and Turner made rubbish violins."
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A blonde antique trader was terribly overweight and could hardly fit behind the counter, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
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An antique dealer was taking the day off from his busy stall and decided to go fishing. But his wife was insistent that he also take care of his baby daughter while she went shopping. He decided it would be okay and to take his baby daughter along on such a beautiful day. "I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his wife that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his wife said. The dealer said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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This is a true story overheard at an antiques flea market, on a very cold winters day. One dealer to another; "I'm cold, I must be getting old". To which the other replied, "We're all getting older, dear - the only thing that's not getting older is these antiques."
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