The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Revolution

In keeping with the mood of the moment, Congregation Etz Chaim has embarked on a new approach to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience.

Our new approach will dispense with time consuming lessons and those inconvenient Hebrew School obligations. We realize that learning, accomplishment and commitment are concepts left over from a bygone age. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Revolution will provide a low impact path to happiness for the 13 year olds, their parents and grandparents.

The 13 year olds do not have to actually learn anything. At the service the 13 year olds will lip sync all their parts. The kids will be able to read the words to the prayers, the Torah portion and the Haftorah portion from a concealed teleprompter.

In advance of the Bat/Bat Mitzvah the 13 year olds will meet with one of our computer technicians who will record their spoken voice reciting simple English phrases. Our exclusive Tree of Life Software will then generate the Hebrew soundtrack to be used at their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Our amazing software will create Hebrew reading and chanting in a voice that sounds like the 13 year old's own voice.

We will also be able to create soundtracks of the Torah blessings to be used by a relative called for an Aliyah. Tree of Life Software also offers a Bar/Bat Mitzvah speech APP. The 13 year olds will only have to answer seven questions on their smart phones. The App will do the rest.

If the 13 year old has a soccer game the morning on which their Bar/Bat Mitzvah has been scheduled and cannot get to the synagogue for the service we have the ability to project a hologram of the 13rd old at the reading stand.

In light of the needs of the
congregation's ongoing fundraising, I propose that we open a side business.  Being in the business of serving the needs of the Jewish people, and the fact that I love tea, why not produce high quality teas and all proceeds can directly benefit our congregation?

The name of the proposed company? 

He Brews Tea

Here are the different types of teas I propose we sell:

Oolong Tea - for the oneg after the service for those services which seem to go on and on.  Especially if the sermon is extra lengthy that evening

Chai Tea - only sold in increments of 18 ounces, for long life

Mate Tea - To be enjoyed on Shabbate

Green Tea - For Passover seder's in lieu of the parsley and other green vegetables

Earl Grey - For cold winter mornings to help one get going.  Especially when saying the Shema is difficult...

White Tea - For the High Holidays

Rooibos - A tea to be enjoyed any other day except Shoibos

I am proud to announce that we have received a grant for every student in our school to receive an iPhone 5. We will no longer use any textbooks. The children in our primary department will be given game apps so they can learn about the history of all of our holidays at a young age.   By playing Angry Birds they will work their way through each level by knocking over buildings with information about a holiday. Knowing that the youngest children cannot yet read, the various animals will sing holiday songs as they fly through space.

Our Hebrew school students will learn using apps put together by Rhianna, Brittany Spears and rappers Lil Wayne and Will.i.am. I am working with the rappers to write some songs in Hebrew so kids can expand their Hebrew vocabulary and parents will have no idea if the language is appropriate or not. They will be allowed to listen to music during class as long as the songs are in Hebrew. If they can sing any pop song in Hebrew, they will be exempt from learning the next prayer that the rest of their class will be learning.

The upper school students will learn Talmud and Jewish history through games developed by Zynga. Words with Friends will only allow Yiddish words to be played; Hangin with Friends will only allow words found in the Babylonian Talmud. Scramble with Friends will be done with Hebrew characters and the words must be from the Torah.

Of course students will be allowed to text but can only do so in ancient Hebrew. They can play games during class and will do all of their research for their classes using their thumbs.

Letters from the Office

In a joint announcement, Patrick R. Donahoe, Postmaster General of the United States Postal Service, and Carol R. Meyer, Executive Director of Congregation Etz Chaim of DuPage County, disclosed that both organizations will stop Saturday services later this year. Whether it is delivering mail or delivering a sermon, Saturday will be a day of rest for both groups. Both emailed, "With a busy week, we know that Saturday service is looked forward to by so many of our constituents and will be missed." The post office will continue delivering packages only on Saturdays and CEC will only continue B'nai Mitzvahs. Together, the two groups estimate that they will save $2.000018 billion/year. How this move will affect the CEC merger with American Airlines is not yet known.

SPECIAL SHABBATON

THEME: FOODS YOU WILL NEVER SEE AT ETZ CHAIM - NOT KOSHER BUT DELICIOUS!!!

All grades are welcome to a special shabbaton, unique in FLAVOR and open to all with a diversified palette. We are going to be trying new and special food combinations, created for the gastronomically adventurous diner......no more matza ball soup, challah, roasted chicken....get ready for a big adventure!!

APPETIZER: Peanut butter and chopped liver canapés served on a lovely

                      cocktail rye bread

                      Herring and grape jelly served on a Ritz cracker

SOUP: Split pea soup with ham with bacon fused matzah balls

ENTREE: Roasted pork chops simmered in cheese

               Shrimp and crab stuffed kreplach

DESSERT: Pickled beet bread pudding with a Manischewitz wine glaze

We are looking for volunteers to help create these unusual dishes. Don't hesitate to create any other specialty and don't be afraid to try new combinations....be bold in your creation!

Oy vey, Purim is just around the corner. So with much tzuris and kvetching I must write another article. I think this year I will be a mensh and pay tribute to my co-workers. First I must say it was beshert that we came to Etz Chaim, that's the emes. I am plotzing that I am a part of this community. Now, enough of my mishegoss and onto my shtik.

Carol, definitely has the seychels to do such a great job. Kinehora I admire her dedication. Michele is our gelt collecter as well as handling a mish-mosh of other things. Anne is our own religious school maven, what a mensh, she does so much. Diane, our yeshiva secretary, I kvell watching her schmooze with the kinderlach. Mike is the best kibitzer I have ever met. He is also our fixer of all chotchkes. And I must add he is our biggest M & M nosher! Rabbi Cosnowsky is such a bubala. She is so heymish in her way, what a shayna punim. Rabbi Bob, what can I say he is truly a simcha, our rebbe. Gutenyu, what a great storyteller! Last but not least, Marlon. He is our shleper supreme. We have such nachos to have Marlon.

Three cheers to the office, L'Chaim!