• Forgiveness is a choice, not a requirement. Several years ago, my teacher, Guru Singh, pointed out to me that there was a decision for me to make about the tone that would dominate the experience of my own life. I knew I was filled with both great rage and great love. Which of these motivators did I want to be my guiding force? Emotions vibrate at different levels and while we can have many, many feelings all at once, we can not vibrate at two frequencies of consciousness simultaneously. So, did I want to vibrate from rage or vibrate from love? There was no right or wrong answer, only a priority to choose.

• Forgiveness takes time. That timetable is unique to each situation. I'm immediately suspicious of anyone who says to someone else, "It's time to forgive (fill-in-the-blank)." The colloquial version of this statement is: "Get over it!" Really? And who determines this expiration date? If I want or need to maintain my resentment, then that's what I need to do. Instead of telling me to get over it, I respectfully suggest that you mind your own business and stop trying to control my feelings.

Regret II by Mary Jacobson

• Choose role models well. For inspiration, I like to pull out the Big Guns: Elie Weisel, Gandhi, that lady I saw on Oprah who "adopted" the troubled young man who killed her son (she saw that his violence came from a darkness that could not exist in the face of unconditional love and chose to give that). It's not that I even aspire to forgive the same "way" those people do
  -- but the credibility of their example comes from dealing with such intense obstacles and finding their own authentic way to live.

• Forgiveness does NOT equal approval. Forgiveness does not say what happened was okay. It's more about breaking out of the loop of blame to release the fallacy that I can have an affect on the past. It's about being who I really am in the face of whatever I encounter (see "Choose Role Models Well" above). It's impossible to move forward in my life unless I accept that what happened happened and I no longer violently resist that fact. That's different from condoning it.

• Forgiveness is not necessarily a one-time event. Nearly every day -- at least to some degree -- I experience familiar or brand new layers of resentment and rage toward the people involved in the worst hurt in my life. Sometimes the feelings are mild, other times they are suffocating. I go through the same steps -- albeit usually with less intensity -- to release the new layer, beginning with making my choice all over again. If that sounds exhausting, it is. I never said any of this was easy.

• Forgiveness releases ME from the past. From a practical standpoint, hate is an intimate emotion. I prefer a little distance between myself and those people or situations that are hurtful. From a spiritual perspective, I don't even think I can explain how I am liberated through forgiveness -- but if and when you get there, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Your own pathway to mercy may not resemble mine in any way. That's my point. There is no secret blueprint to forgiveness. It's highly unlikely you're going to find an adequate recipe for compassion in the pages of Cosmo magazine. Forgiveness is a complicated, dirty undertaking that does not lend itself well to bullet points (such as these in Yoga Bits today) and it's too personal to be described authentically in a trite formula.

There are no shortcuts, so roll up those shirtsleeves and get to work -- or don't. It's entirely your choice.