Three relevant facts from my childhood:

1) I loved and identified with animals to an extreme degree.

2) In our house, animals were treated with care, and humans were always kind.

3) I was frightened of the butcher shop.

I never connected the dots, but instead succumbed to the Great Disconnect: whatever your mother serves you for dinner is appropriate. Don't think about where it came from or if it had its own life. Do notice if it tastes good, because that is all that matters.

Fast forward to 1996. I start a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins. I am thrust into a world so harsh that I am shocked: the inhumane treatment of farmed animals. There are pictures of the horrors that these gentle creatures must endure. Sometimes the animals go crazy and attack each other, desperate for space and air. Some spend their lives in individual cages so small that they cannot turn around. "They are treated like merchandise with no respect for the fact that they are living beings." (John Robbins)

In tears, I close the book partway through. I will not contribute to this nightmare. I will not let an animal suffer for my dinner. For the next 16 years I am a quiet vegetarian. I care about the animals, but I rarely talk about them;  my family and friends seem uninterested .

Fast forward again to June, 2012. My son says he is shocked that I buy regular (non-organic) cow's milk, so I decide to do internet research. I find exposés of milk and egg factories (I refuse to call them farms), and it's all so horrible that I stop reading. I am trying hard to find reasons to keep buying milk and eggs.

I end up settling on milk from companies whose cartons state "humanely raised, organic." I find egg cartons that say "cage free, organic, from family farms." I'm a good person making good (and expensive) choices. I'm supporting organic farmers. I get to keep my milk and eggs.

During the next few months I find out more of the gruesome truth of where meat comes from. It's much worse than I thought, with pigs and chickens having to endure the worst conditions. I still feel sick and sad, but now I am also outraged--outraged that it happens and outraged that most people can't or won't see it.

Most farmed animals live lives of deprivation and physical pain that end in a grisly death. They are held against their will by jailers that range from indifferent to sadistic. The animals' instincts to nurture their young, bond, avoid pain, seek safety--all of these are thwarted by a cold and brutal system.

At this point, I know that I will forever see meat not as food but as dead, tortured animals. I am sincerely hoping that the milk and eggs I buy come from relatively contented cows and hens.

On Sept. 1, 2012, I come across an essay by Marla Rose in her guise as Vegan Feminist Agitator. "The Persistence of Fairy Tales" is beautifully written and speaks directly to me, telling me what I didn't want to acknowledge but secretly thought was probably true:

All animals used for human food are ill-used. They all suffer. Their babies are taken from them. Their lives are taken from them. Humanely raised, cage free, humane slaughter: these words sound good but in reality mean almost nothing. These words are used to cover up the appalling truths of animal agriculture and to make people feel good about their choices.... We shouldn't be weaving fairy tales about life-or-death matters, and we most certainly shouldn't be believing them. (Marla Rose)

Becoming a vegetarian was a good start. Now I have to make the next step. I take a deep breath, stand up in my living room, and say out loud, "I am a vegan."

I sit down, surprised and a little scared. It's a profound moment for me. I don't know how this is going to work. But I know that this change is permanent. I know that this commitment to the animals is permanent. I know that I have stepped into a new space. I know that this is the only honest way that I can live.

Since that day, I see life through a vegan lens. I use the word vegan often, hoping to demystify it for others. I explain that veganism is a feminist issue--the female animals are the most exploited and abused. I try hard to be pleasant and patient when I discuss animal welfare and food choices with non-vegans. I donate money to animal sanctuaries and to people who do vegan outreach.

My son asks me nicely if I'll ever stop talking about animal cruelty and veganism, and I say no, my dear boy, never. My heart aches for the animals who are desolate, afraid, and in pain. They cry, but who hears them? I have vowed to be their voice.