The child I lost within
Flew off on butterfly wings
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It was winter and my belly was round with hope. Another soul had decided to take up residence and I had already started to cancel concert dates down the road and get my head around the idea that not only would I gain weight , but gain the responsibility of caring for another life: to nurture, to nourish, to feed, to love.
What is life? Where is the point of all beginnings? Why now? I was all mixed up inside. Thrilled and nervous, resolute that all would and could, only go well.
What message had she come to give me? I was living a life far from my homelands and in these moments, I missed my family. Proudly I carried on, planning and creating the next steps.
The child I lost within
Flew off on butterfly wings
In search of an angel.
In the silence of the night
Wrapped in lullabies
Wings colored in red
The moon had risen. It was a cold dark night. I got up.
Something beyond something was about to happen.
She simply slipped away
I searched for day and days
To find my angel, to show me the way
Shower me with sweet grace
Give me your strength today
Carry me up on the wings of faith
The deeper the love
The sharper the flesh aches
The deeper the love
The longer the shadow plays
Like wild horses running across the plains
Dusty winds burn my eyes again
The deeper the love the
The sharper the flesh aches
The deeper the love
The higher we set the stakes
Heaven is pouring its strongest rains
To wash the pain away
The tides were turning. Yet, I was not expecting the moon that I had always looked to for guidance, to fall down into my navel.
The lost stars of the night,
Gathered round for her last flight
My heart left for the moon
I whispered out her name
My heartbeat fluttered again
One beat too soon
There were no tears. Only disbelief. A surreal emptiness. As if I had gone back to mother earth.
Become humus. Wet and dark.
She simply slipped away
I searched for day and days
To find my angel, to show me the way
Shower me with sweet grace
Give me the strength today
Carry me on wings of faith
Shower me with sweet grace
Give me the strength today
Carry me on wings of faith
Why was this happening?
Why had life chosen to give me life only to take it from me?
The deeper the love
The sharper the flesh aches
The deeper the love
The longer the shadow plays
Like wild horses running 'cross the plains
Dusty winds they burn my eyes again
The deeper the love the
The sharper the flesh aches
The deeper the love
The higher we set the stakes
Heaven is pouring its strongest rains
To wash the pain away
I lay myself down on the ground and joined the leaves. I started to decompose. My breath slowed. The ground was cold. I didn't care. My heartbeat wandered. She was unsteady.
I had been chosen by the gods to get a crash course in life meets death. Only this time it was happening deep within me, not without. Death was not happening in another city, not heralded by a phone call in the night, like when I lost my first lover, my grandparents, my father. In those times, the news had always come via telephone.
No, this time there was no ring and no familiar voice to usher in the event. This time death arrived on tiptoe. Snuck in when I was least expecting it. Danced around my most precious gem. Tore at the word hope and life. My center, my belly, my flesh and bones were emptied.
The moon rested behind my belly button to give me comfort,
yet my heart grew faint.
Searching for an angel
The moon spinning towards an eclipse
Searching for an angel
Barren landscapes warp a rare sacred glimpse
Searching for an angel
So fragile the wings
So fragile, so fragile all these things
Searching for an angel
Bellied fears and water colored dreams
Searching for an angel
Earthly desires and hushed baby�s screams
I lye cocooned wrapped in gossamer wings,
Fragile, so fragile all these things
Sadness can swallow you up when no one is looking.
I was given this song to keep me breathing.
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The only hope you have is to fill it up with poetry and song
and a never ending thirst for the bigger questions.
I sat for days at the piano. If it wasn't for pen and paper and my dear Mr. Steinway, I am not sure if I would have found away. Few can understand how deep the loss can go. It carves you out and makes you hollow.
It is like consciously trying to die step by step, to practice deep let go and surrendering to the seasons, learning compassion and acceptance, when everyone else around you is running after the newest bling bling and gathering awards and trophies. It all seems so deftly unimportant. The more I live, the more I become an observer. It is hard to loose myself to a love affair the same as I did 20 years ago. A part of me lives already on the moon.
I am grateful that by sharing my stories and songs, others will feel the trust to share theirs. Women have opened their hearts with me and shared with me their stories, each one different and yet each one touched me so deeply. It helped me to heal. It helped my heart grow stronger again.
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." Mother Teresa
In the year of the Chinese Dragon, I am opening my journals to the world. The Naked Thoughts Album Series is available at all major download outlets. itunes, amazon and cdbaby.com. And also available directly from my homepage.
With more than 100 songs written, 
