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5 Steps to Help Your Child Thrive
Despite Divorce
Susan Gestral, MA, LPC

Going through a separation or a divorce and have children?  You can help your children thrive despite this difficult situation.  It is not an easy task, but here are some steps to help you along the way:

STEP 1: It is crucial that you take care of yourself!


Sorry to say this but you are a major obstacle to your children braving divorce.  Why?  Because typically your own experience is quite confusing and painful.  Therefore, you need to do what is necessary to care for your own physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs.  You need trusted family, friends, and perhaps a support group or therapist to help and encourage you.  Do not expect or allow your child to be the person attending to you; your needs must be processed and met with healthy adults.  Once your needs are being met then you will be able to provide the care that will allow your children to thrive despite the divorce.

STEP 2: Work at viewing what your children are going through from their perspective.

Children are not "little adults."  The family plays a huge role in the world of a child, and the family is now undergoing a drastic change.  Young children believe the world revolves around them and may feel something they did caused the divorce.  Even older children often blame themselves for the divorce of their parents.

Therefore, when you first tell your children about the divorce (ideally both parents do this together), let them know that the divorce has nothing to do with them.  Let them know, as clearly as you are able, that mom and dad did not do what was needed to take care of the marriage and that mom and dad are no longer able to work things out and live together (or whatever the case may be).  Let your children know often that they had nothing to do with the divorce.

Make it clear that you still love them.  Help your children understand that even though your spouse and you will no longer be husband and wife, you are still their mom and dad and that you love them and will be there for them (but be truthful, only say this if it is true).

STEP 3: Encourage an ongoing positive relationship with the other parent.

There is, I believe, universal agreement among counselors that the most crucial factors contributing to a good readjustment by divorced children are a stable, loving environment and a continuing relationship with both real parents (Hart)*

This may be the hardest step for you to take, but it's truly critical for your children to thrive.  You likely have some very strong negative feelings toward your ex, but now is the time to separate your issues with your ex from what is best for your children.  Just because your ex was not necessarily a good spouse does not mean they are not a good parent.  Children need to be allowed to love and be loved by both parents!

Practically speaking, determine to never criticize your ex in front of your children.  When your children and you do talk about your ex remain neutral and supportive.  Furthermore, communicate directly with your ex.  Don't send any messages through your children.  If it is difficult for the two of you to talk directly then use e-mail or a neutral third party; do not drag your child into the middle of your conflicts or disagreements.

STEP 4: Encourage your children to talk about their feelings.

Most children experience a range of feelings, including sadness, anger, guilt and fear.  Your children need permission to express their feelings and they need you to be available to listen to them and to accept whatever they are feeling.

Anticipate behavior changes.  Some children will act out; some will use regressive behaviors; others will withdraw and become quiet; some will appear to be "perfect children."  Understand that behavior is communication, especially for young children.  Children do not yet have the coping skills needed to handle stress.  Listen to what your children are communicating through their behavior.

STEP 5: Take the high road.

In some cases your ex will be unwilling to follow these guidelines.  You cannot change or control your ex's behavior but you can change and control yourself.  You can refuse to argue in front of your children or put them in the middle of disagreements.  You can make the choice to do what is best for your child.

As difficult as these steps may be, making the effort to stroll this path will provide the best setting for your children to thrive despite separation or divorce.

*Quotation from Dr. Archibald Hart's Helping Children Survive Divorce.


Hold Me Tight Seminar
A Relationship Education Experience for Couples

Honoring the belief that relationships, especially marriages, are at the core of human experience and well-being, we invite you to an educational and experiential day based on the most empirically supported marriage model in the world, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Pioneered by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, and outlined in Dr. Johnson's latest work, Hold Me Tight, research studies have found that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements through the use of EFT. Wouldn't it be nice to have the tools and understanding of EFT to help safeguard and grow your marriage? Well now you can ...


When: Saturday, May 22
Registration/Breakfast Buffet: 8:30 a.m. - 9:00 a.m.
Seminar: 9:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.

Where: Greenwich Center for Hope & Renewal 237 Taconic Road, Greenwich, CT 06831

Instructors:
George Faller
EFT Global Trainer, Supervisor, and Certified Counselor, AAMFT Supervisor, LMFT (NY)

Paul Sorensen
EFT Trained Counselor, LPC (CT), LMHC (FL)

Mary Stacy
EFT Certified Counselor, LCSW (CT)

Parker Stacy
EFT Certified Counselor, LPC (CT)

Jill Woolworth
EFT Trained Counselor, LMFT (CT)

Investment:
$350 per couple  (Lunch will be provided)

Registration:
Space is limited to 15 couples and registration is required by
May 14. Enrollment is based on date of receipt of registration.
To register, send your name(s), contact information, and non-refundable payment in full to the Greenwich Center for Hope & Renewal, 237 Taconic Road, Greenwich, CT 06831. For additional information, call 203-340-9816 or email [email protected] or [email protected].

From The Bottom of My Heart

"Thank you for all the time, thought and prayer you've given me.  You have helped me so much.  I can hardly believe it.  I think you are an answer to many prayers."

-- Anonymous Client


Correspondence and Giving Information
For those who wish to graciously support the Center
through a tax deductable gift, please make checks payable to
Greenwich Center for Hope and Renewal
  
Mail to:

Greenwich Center for Hope and Renewal
237 Taconic Road
Greenwich, CT 06831


For more information about giving to the Center visit
www.hopeandrenewal.org
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Featured Seminar Reminder
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The Do's & Don'ts of
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Presenter:
Paul Sorensen, MDiv,
MA, LPC

Date:
May 3, 2010

Time:
7:00 - 8:15 p.m.

Participants: All adults

Location:
Tomes-Higgins House of Christ Church Greenwich

Cost: Free


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