We were alone. No longer did he need us as he formerly did. Our son could and would take care of himself from now on. The 24/7 parental roller coaster came to an abrupt halt. My wife and I were thrown into a state of intimacy we had not known for years.

We had so many questions. Would our son adjust to college? And what would we do with ourselves?

The psychologist, Erik Erikson, revealed why the empty nest is such a difficult time. He remarked that between the ages of 40 and 65 years individuals need to master the developmental task of generativity, which essentially means taking care of another person.

The most common, but not the only, way to master generativity is through parenting. Failure to master generativity carries the risk of stagnation, the feeling that life is empty and lacking in personal fulfillment.

As adults are thrown into the empty nest, their sense of generativity is suddenly pulled away from them and they face a sense of stagnation if they cannot find alternative means to nurture others.

The family life cycle is a continuous journey of alternating challenges interspersed with periods of relative calm. The challenges occur in the first year of marriage, at the birth of a child, the loss of a parent, a change in job or location, reaching the empty nest, retirement, and loss of a spouse.

Launching young adults into their college years is both a happy and stressful occasion. I discovered that psychologists need also to use what they teach to others:

• Share your experience with other parents whose children have just left for college. Knowing that your experience is not unique can provide comfort.
• Meet parents of college graduates. Learn how they coped when their young adults moved to college and what their experience of the empty nest was like.
• Stay busy. If you were accustomed to being on the go from morning to night 7 days per week, find ways to continue to feel productive and useful to others.
• Get involved in a new venture. This is a time in life to consider how you would like to spend time in a meaningful or enjoyable way. Take up a new hobby. Join a social club. Volunteer your time. Or go back to school and take classes yourself!
• Consider the website - www.emptynestmoms.com - for advice from other parents.

Acting confident that your young person will be successful in college is one of the most important things you can do. Young adults pick up feelings from their parents and can be prone to anxiety when parents feel worried that their child "won't make it."

Just as important, parents need to demonstrate to their children that they, too, will adjust well to their new lives without their children. It is quite common for young adults to worry about their parents' psychological health as well as their physical health. When young people are free from worry about their parents' well-being, they can focus all of their energy on the demands of college life as well as the freedoms that college bestows.

So, consider the fact that you still are a parent, even though your child may be separated from you in a college far from home, and s/he still needs your help. Here's what you can do to help launch your young one successfully:

• Let your college students know you miss them, but are not depressed and lonely without them. Convey the sense that you are doing well at home.
• Avoid the tendency to call your student on a daily basis. College students need a sense of distance from their parents. It is not necessary for them to share every detail of their college life on a daily basis. Calls once or twice per week for most students are sufficient.
• Focus most of your telephone conversations on their activities in school, not what is happening to you at home or with their old friends from high school.
• If your young person shows doubts about the ability to be successful in college, provide reassurance that although the first few months can be trying, you are absolutely confident s/he will succeed.

Expect that your college-age child will have some adjustment problems. Most students do. Problems occur with teachers, roommates, difficult schedules, and adjusting to the greater demands of college life.

It is important not to be the one to try to solve your child's problems. What you can do is let your child know that he or she has choices in how to solve problems and that there are many resources on campus to use in solving them. Therefore, if you child complains about adjustment problems, there are many things you can do.

• Let your child know that adjustment problems are common and usually resolvable.
• Suggest that your child work with college personnel, such as the residential assistant, college counseling center or academic advisor to resolve various types of problems.
• Feel free to suggest alternatives to problems, but stop short of giving your student the "solution." After all, students are in college to learn independence so they can solve problems for themselves by the time they graduate.

Now that our son is in his senior year in college, we can say we have enjoyed his college years. We have had some happy visits to his school, met some of his friends, and learned about his campus and studies.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly what happens to stifle kids' self-confidence as they get older and why some are more willing to venture out and try new things.

But we do know that merely feeling good about oneself (which is called "self-esteem") does not necessarily translate into the confidence needed to face challenges and pursue success. In fact, some studies show that kids with very high self-esteem can be underachievers at school.

Self-confidence is strengthened not by thinking, but by doing. Watch your kids' faces and body language as they figure out a problem, master riding a bike or get to the next level of a video game. You'll see more than a smile. You'll see the same self-confidence as when they were learning to walk.

Self-confidence is self-propelling. Children who feel confident about something want to do more of it. And they even prefer that it's not too easy. They welcome a challenge, even though they know they may not succeed right away. For self-confident kids, failure does not damage their self-esteem.

It's no surprise that self-confident people are happier, more energetic and optimistic, have better relationships, and enjoy better health. Isn't that what everyone wants for their children?

How to help your children build self-confidence.

 Physical safety and security 

• Kids need to feel that they will be taken care of and protected in a basic sense. Don't talk about money problems in front of your kids. They could easily misinterpret what they hear and get scared that you'll be homeless.

• Harmonious home life
  The more harmonious and consistent your home life, the more secure your kids will feel. If you don't get along with your spouse, make an effort when the kids are around. If you're divorced, never belittle or badmouth the other parent. If you yell or if you have a habit of putting yourself down, stop.

• Social skills
  Children who learn respect at home will apply the same respect to others outside the home and will be more popular and confident among their peers. Teach your kids to take turns, to show kindness and to ask politely for what they want. Don't tolerate it when they speak to you in contemptuous or demanding tones.

• Opportunities for curiosity and exploration
  Children have a natural curiosity. As long as they are physically safe and not bothering other people, allow them to look, explore and experiment. Don't over-schedule them with lessons and other structured activities. While books, museum visits and movies are valuable, they do not build confidence in the way that active engagement and exploration can. Your kids will feel more confident through self-directed discovery than through any scripted experience.

• Appropriate risk-taking
  Challenge your kids to stretch just a bit beyond their comport zone. Examples include: Trying new foods - even if it's just one bite; saying "Hi" to another child that they've never spoken to; sleeping in their own bed for the whole night; asking a girl or boy to the dance. To help kids view these things with an open mind, suggest them as experiments ("just to see how it feels") rather than as major hurdles.

Strategies for managing anxiety and self-doubt

It is possible to be scared and self-confident at the same time. For proof, just observe the people waiting in line for the roller coasters at Hersheypark. Their nervous anticipation does not deter them from getting on the rides. When your child hesitates to try something, don't lecture her or tell her she's being silly. Instead, acknowledge her fears and remind her of a time when she had successfully pushed through fear in the past. If necessary, change the goal to something more manageable. For example, if she's afraid to put her face in the water at the pool, have her agree to splash water on her face.

Strategies for managing failure

Resist the urge to protect your kids from failure. Failure is not necessarily bad. In fact, children need small setbacks in order to prove to themselves that they can recover and move on. Be mindful of your own behavior when your kids don't succeed. Avoid making excuses for them, such as blaming the weather, the teacher or the equipment. Set a good example of can-do attitude by casually taking the failure in stride and looking forward to the next opportunity.

The above guidelines will work for most children. However, some may remain timid and fearful despite your best efforts. If you child is one of those, you are advised to consult a psychologist or other mental health professional who is trained to help kids with problems.