Texas Manners
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when she realised her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she STILL couldn't reach the step!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more and, again, was unable to make the step.
About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured that we were friends".
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-Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly "I have something I must confess". "There's no need to" his wife replied. "No" he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know" she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work".
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Missing person Report
Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
