-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable smoke a Cuban cigar in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-Is there another word for 'synonym'?
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.