A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says "Who was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress".
"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But.... The decision is all yours".
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband.
"Ours is prettier" she replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.
He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless".
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself". "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of". ..
Here the colonel interrupted.
"Yes, yes; never mind that Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file". "Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor an "A Hole and a "Fake"".
