I am still thinking more about yesterday's Lesson, as it is such an important Lesson. You could say it is very karmic in that our attack thoughts keep bouncing back at us. What I give, I receive. We do unto others as we would have them do unto us, which is the golden rule, and is part of every religion, as it is part of A Course in Miracles, in some version or another. The difference from other teachings however, is that Jesus teaches we can't apply the golden rule until we are in our right minds. In other words, we can't know what is the loving thing to do unless we are guided by the Holy Spirit. To do unto others is to be guided as to what is truly loving. On our own, with the ego as guide, we can't know, which leads right into this Lesson that says we don't even know our own best interests, let alone anyone else's. We think we do, don't we? What is the Lesson here? It is to be humble and admit we don't know what is best for us, let alone anyone else.

We believe that we can take care of our own interests and we can rely on our own judgments. We trust ourselves in this regard more than we trust anyone else. We have learned that if we don't take care of our needs, who else will? Jesus says we don't know our own best interests and "In no situation that arises do you realize the outcome that would make you happy. Therefore, you have no guide to appropriate action, and no way of judging the result." (W.24.1.1-2) It seems to us we know our needs and our problems, but if our only problem is the separation from the reality of who we really are, the problems we think we have are not the real problems. They are just a smokescreen for the problem of guilt in our minds. They are a distraction from our real problem. We spend our time on trying to solve things in the world, when the source of our problems is in our own minds.

The Lesson today says, if our perceptions are wrong, and they always are, how can we know what to do in any situation? "What you do is determined by your perception of the situation, and that perception is wrong." (W.24.1.3) Clearly, Jesus is saying that to be on our own means we are listening to the 'guidance' of the ego, and that guidance is always based on wrong perception. We think we know what our needs are and how to meet them. We do our best to find solutions for the problems we think we have, and we try to fulfill our needs and desires as we define them. We do the best to take care of ourselves, always staying vigilant on our own behalf and never fully trusting anyone.
 

The ego "is unaware of what you are, and wholly mistrustful of everything it perceives because its perceptions are so shifting. The ego is therefore capable of suspiciousness at best and viciousness at worst. That is its range. It cannot exceed it because of its uncertainty. And it can never go beyond it because it can never be certain." (T.9.VII.3.6-10)(ACIM OE T.9.VI.40) That is why Jesus says we need to "Resign now as your own teacher." (T.12.V.8.3)(ACIM OE T.11.VI.51) Clearly, this is a challenge for us. We have learned that the only thing we can depend on is ourselves. We don't trust the world to support us. Thus, as he says, we are suspicious at best, and our way of managing is to stay in control and rely on ourselves. Yet we live with the uncertainty of never really knowing what is the best thing to do for ourselves, which produces anxiety.
  

Now we need to be brutally honest in asking ourselves, "How well have we done being the captains of our own ship?" How do we measure that? The Course would ask us to measure it through the test of truth. What is that test? "You have one test, as sure as God, by which to recognize if what you learned is true. If you are wholly free of fear of any kind, and if all those who meet or even think of you share in your perfect peace, then you can be sure that you have learned God's lesson, and not your own." (T.14.XI.5.1-2)(ACIM OE T.14.VII.63) Our experience with the ego as our guide is, we are not wholly free of fear of any kind. We live in a constant state of uncertainty.
 

It takes humility to recognize just how much we don't want the peace of God, how firmly we cling to our belief system and the pursuit of our selfish, individual interests. In our arrogance, we hold a demeaning image of ourselves, thus denying our true identity. "Arrogance makes an image of yourself that is not real. It is this image which quails and retreats in terror, as the Voice for God assures you that you have the strength, the wisdom and the holiness to go beyond all images." (W.186.6.1-2)
 

One line most frequently repeated in the Course is, "I am as God created me." (W.94, W.110, W.162) We have denied our true identity, deciding for ourselves who we are, what we do, and why. The ego even has us believe that humility is to look upon ourselves as lowly and unworthy sinners. Jesus teaches us just the opposite. He says, "Humility consists of accepting your role in salvation and in taking no other." (W.61.2.3) He asks us to learn to see ourselves, along with all our brothers and sisters, as worthy of God's love. It does indeed take humility to look honestly, calmly, and without judgment at the arrogance of the ego, and be amused at it instead of being distressed. When we feel distressed, we are believing the ego has power, but the ego is nothing. It only has the power we give it. We look at the ego with humility when we are willing to question our point of view, our interpretation and our definition of ourselves, of everyone we encounter and everything going on in our lives. When we are willing to let go of our interpretation, we can step out of the ego's arrogant stance and accept the Holy Spirit's perception. This is true humility, which accepts, "I do not know" since the "I know" mind is not open to being taught.

It is with this humility that we need to look at our perceptions and see they are always wrong. How would we ever be certain of what is in our best interests? We can only be taught when we accept we do not know what our best interests are. We have to open our minds to the recognition we simply don't know. "How can that be?", you might ask. Jesus answers that question in Workbook Lesson 47, where he says, "If you are trusting in your own strength, you have every reason to be apprehensive, anxious and fearful. What can you predict or control? What is there in you that can be counted on? What would give you the ability to be aware of all the facets of any problem, and to resolve them in such a way that only good can come of it? What is there in you that gives you the recognition of the right solution, and the guarantee that it will be accomplished?" (W.47.1.1-5)
 

Of course, we can't because there is too much to control and too much to figure out. In fact, the world was made to keep us distracted with problems. While we are busy solving problems in the world, we will not attend to the only real problem, which is our guilt over the separation we think we achieved from God. Only by bringing attention to that problem will all problems be addressed. It is only when we humbly admit we can't know it all and do it all that we can open to being guided by the Holy Spirit, who is in our right minds and who does know our best interests. It is only when we honestly admit we don't know the outcome that would make us happy, and our way of seeing every situation is wrong, and ultimately we don't perceive our own best interests, that we can truly be open to Him and ask for help. It takes humility and surrender.

What does it mean to look honestly at the unresolved situations about which we are currently concerned? An example for me of what I thought was in my best interests was when I decided I needed to sell my house and travel the country, like a spiritual tourist, learning from spiritual masters about the truth. When my partner came along, I felt my plans and interests were jeopardized by this relationship. He encouraged me to start teaching the Course. Despite the fact that I persisted in resisting the relationship and the circumstances that came with it, looking back I now see the perfection of how everything has unfolded. Initially, I was angry, believing my best interests were not being served. Yet increasingly, as I looked at my attack thoughts and became more willing to release them, I saw my interests were truly being served in ways I could not imagine on my own. Instead of turning to other teachers, I was given an opportunity to connect with my own inner Teacher and to learn my lessons of forgiveness through this relationship and through facilitating the gatherings. But getting to a place of giving up the fight took some time. I was simply indulging my ego and wanting to be right about what would best serve me.

With the belief I needed to move on in order to serve my best interests, there were many conflicting goals in my mind, as there always will be when we decide to set our own direction, using the ego as the guide. I would miss my friends here. I would miss the stability of being in one place. I would enjoy the travel, but would have no home base. I looked forward to the freedom, but would feel the loneliness of not having my connections to what I know. It was a mixed bag of conflicting goals, just as this Lesson tells us. Thus, I was making a large number of demands of this situation with many contradictory goals. When we let it all go, and agree that we do not perceive our own best interests in this or any situation where the ego is the guide, we are more willing to turn to One Who does know. We are more willing to ask with humility what to do.

It is all a matter of trust in the Holy Spirit. To accept this, I need to let go of my ideas of what would make me happy. I need to let go of all of my judgments of what is good and what is bad in my life because I don't know. I am always reminded, "In no situation that arises do you realize the outcome that would make you happy." (W.24.1.1) When I did not get what I thought I wanted by going my own way, I was angry and unhappy and mostly was acting like a rebellious child. Yet in this Lesson, we are told how wrong we are about what we think will serve our best interests. Unhappiness is the actually the result of setting our own goals by ourselves. By doing this, we can indeed achieve everything we think we want, but peace and happiness will still elude us.
 

Can you see what the problem might be with manifesting what we think we want? We don't know what will make us happy. The only thing of value from manifesting what we think we want is to show us the power of the mind. And that power is of God because, as we read in Chapter 2.IV, "Even in miscreation the mind is still affirming its Source, or it would merely cease to be. This is impossible, because the mind belongs to spirit which God created and which is therefore eternal." (T.3.IV.5.10-11)(ACIM OE T.3.VI.45)
 

The practice for this Lesson is five times today, for two minutes with eyes closed, searching the mind for unresolved situations you are concerned about. When one comes to mind, name all of the goals you hope this situation will end up meeting for you and all the outcomes you want from it.

When you have exhausted your list of outcomes, repeat the thought "I do not perceive my own best interests in this situation." (W.24.7.2) It will become clear to us, as we do this, that we are making a large number of demands on a situation, which has nothing to do with it. Many of our goals are contradictory. We have no unified outcome in mind and we will be disappointed in regard to our goals, no matter what the outcome is. Most important, we truly do not perceive our own best interests. Jesus tells us the exercises for today require much more honesty than we are accustomed to. A few subjects, honestly and carefully considered in each of the five practice periods, which should be undertaken today, will be more helpful than a more cursory examination of a large number. Two minutes are suggested for each of the mind searching periods.
 

Look at some unresolved situation and ask yourself what you want to come of it. Where honesty is called for is that we may not always want to acknowledge our many conflicting goals. For example, if I am having difficulty with someone, I may have a goal of wanting this person to get what they deserve for being mean to me, but I also want them to like me.  I also want to be friends with them. I want them to see how they have hurt me, but I don't want to tell them this. I want them to ask for my forgiveness and acknowledge what they have done, but I don't want to be seen as being unkind. Do you see what I mean by conflicting, non-unified goals? Don't we have all of these conflicting goals going around in our heads, as we try to address any situation? Really go deep with this exercise and recognize you need to approach it with unaccustomed honesty. I say unaccustomed because the ego likes to rationalize and cover up our baser, attack thoughts with lovely spiritual thoughts. The only caution is to look at these thoughts with equanimity. The idea is to be honest, but not to make yourself guilty. To do so is just another ego ploy. Simply be a detached observer of the process.

Love and blessings, Sarah