In the last newsletter, we talked about how important it is to get the story right when communicating with others. But as was illustrated in last month's newsletter there are many times when we jump the gun and then jump to conclusions before we have all the info, and we get the story wrong. Before we know what's happened we've told ourselves a fabricated tale, usually without any real facts, and we rush headfirst into a conversation armed with a boatload of misinformation that leads us into conflict, misunderstanding and broken trust.
Remember the odds are high that at some point we'll get caught telling ourselves clever stories to justify our actions for going into "Silence" or "Violence."(read last month's We Tell Ourselves Stories to learn more about silence and violence).
Knowing this will happen, despite our best intentions for it not to, the question becomes what do we do when we find ourselves in unwanted conflict, misunderstanding or broken trust because we've only gathered "part of the story?"
We need to back things up.
And start again to restore safety and respect by working on "me" first and "them" a distant second.
As much as we believe others may need to change, or however much we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod and change is ourselves.
Dig it sisters and brothers, I repeat the only person we can continually inspire, prod and change is ourselves.
And here are a few simple tips on how to back up, rebuild safety and restore respect, putting us in control of the change. And when we do we begin the process of "Getting the Whole Story" thereby closing the gap and entering into a more mutual and meaningful conversation.
- Apologize: When you've made a mistake that has hurt others start with an apology. Now in order for it to be a genuine apology you have to give up the desire to be right, save face and win, and instead begin focusing on what you really want - a healthy dialogue that brings about better results for all. By offering a sincere apology you're on the road to restoring safety and building back respect. ( remember, when your behavior has hurt someone and given them cause to doubt your respect or commitment, you'll likely end up in frustrated dialogue where each of you defends your point of view further fueling even greater misunderstanding)
- Contrast: sometimes, even though you've done nothing wrong, others may feel disrespected. (You're not the only one who tells themselves stories you know, others do it too). You may simply have been sharing your point of view while others might have interpreted your intentions as wanting to harm them or convince them to your point of view and they feel threatened. (The moment people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the engagement is no longer about the topic at hand. It's now about defending one's dignity). But if you have done nothing wrong an apology is not appropriate, and in fact it would be more disingenuous to admit to something you haven't done. Here's where you use Contrast to build back safety and respect by using the "Don'ts" and the "Do's." Read this example.
"John, I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot here today. If you'd allow me I'd like to start our conversation over. The last thing I wanted to do is give you the impression I "don't" appreciate the effort you're putting in. I value you, your work and your commitment to this team. What I "do"want is for us to continue working together so that we can come up with a strategy that successfully deals with this recurring issue allowing us to move on to the next phase of the project."
By describing what you don't want you set the stage for messaging what you do want. This closes the gap of misunderstanding and helps clarify the story setting the foundation for an equal footed conversation about the real issue.
leading to......
- Creating a Mutual Purpose: sometimes there is no misunderstanding. You and the other party simply see things differently. It is here you must seek to create a mutual purpose.
- Commit: to stay in the conversation until a solution is reached. Avoid moving to silence or violence but instead seek to understand the other party by using the inquiry model, i.e. Ask open ended questions and then really listen to their responses and hear their complete story. Suspend the belief that your choice is the absolute and only one that will work. Recognize by doing this you are building back both trust and respect by listening and showing interest in what they are saying.
- Recognize: what the real purpose is. Often what's said first isn't the real "purpose." And what might look like two incompatible purposes might not be that far apart.
For instance, let's say one person wants to go out to a movie, and the other person wants to stay home. Looks incompatible and easy for each to strongly fight for their choice. But use inquiry and ask why the person wants to go out to a movie. The "real purpose" is so that he can spend time alone with his wife. Asked why she wants to stay home her real purpose is to enjoy some peace and quiet away from the busy city especially a noisy theatre. Hearing each others' real purpose leads them to Brainstorm a mutual purpose of going out for a walk in the park near their home where they can spend time together and enjoy some peace and quiet. Achieving what they both want - their mutual purpose.
- Invent: Sometimes a situation may occur where at first there appears to be no visible mutual purpose and the only way you feel you can achieve your goal is at the expense of the other person's goal. In this case you need to up-level the purpose and invent a higher encompassing goal that is more meaningful than the one that is currently dividing the sides.
Questions like:
- "what is the bigger picture here" and "what is the end result we both want to achieve" move us from shorter term thinking into a more motivated state of dialogue. i.e. "I don't want to drive a wedge between us over this issue. Whatever we agree upon has to be good for both of us. What results would support both of our needs?"
Again use the inquiry model to seek out the deeper story and discover the mutual purpose.
And finally brainstorming.......
- Brainstorming: is simply that. With a clearly defined "mutual purpose" now established set your attention toward brainstorming together to discover as many ways as possible to achieve a solution.
Life is too short to assume. Avoid unwanted stress and aggravation. Ask questions, get clarity and play strong.
Long live the question!
