How could I be so stupid was one of my first thoughts when I discovered someone I trusted had deceived me for 12 months. After all, I had written a book about relational blindspots. I regularly invited the people I trusted to share what they saw in my closest relationships.  I proactively sought to live in reality. 

 

Yet, there I was.  My trust shattered, the emotional pain crippling, and one of my closest relationships destroyed. 

 

That was over a year ago.  Since that time, there have been many conversations with God, counselors, wise supporting friends, family and pastors at my church.  And here is what I learned and want to share about the trauma of betrayal.

 

While the lyrics to the popular song warn us that everybody plays the fool sometime, none of us wants that role.  I had prided myself in seeing things in people that others did not notice. Although it helped that the people in my life were as shocked as I was and those who knew this person for more than 20 years were equally blindsided, it was still a humbling experience. All those little things that didn't make sense earlier, now added up.  Every last detail. So the self-doubts grew as I began to repeatedly question myself as to why I didn't see the truth sooner. The short answer for me was I had trusted this person.  While trust can be a good thing in many situations, it also increases our vulnerability and the likelihood that we will be fooled.

 

As I processed the anger and sadness and worked toward forgiveness, another feeling emerged--shame. 

 

Brene Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."  For me, the betrayal just re-ignited the dying embers of the lie that told me I'm unlovable. A lie that had been communicated to me in thousands of ways by my extremely abusive father.

 

Brene says that just because someone is unwilling or incapable of loving us, that does not mean we are unlovable.    

 

Digging myself out of that pit of shame was not easy. Broken trust injures us on so many levels and it takes much time to heal.  Even more unfortunate, victims of betrayal are often blamed because they did not see what was really there.  Sometimes we do ignore or minimize key information. Sometimes we don't.  Either way, we are still left with the consequences of someone's poor behavior or lack of integrity.  We need compassion, not judgment.

 

It's easy to end up being mistrustful of those closest to us after we have been deeply hurt.  It's tempting to become paranoid or make a permanent decision to never trust again. After all, how do we know it won't happen again?  We don't.  There are never any guarantees that we will be safe and secure with those we love. Trust is a risk, not a fault.

 

When this betrayal threatened to take me down for good, I realized that in spite of the pain, I had much to celebrate.  First, even though I had been dupped, I had learned to risk and trust again which isn't all bad given my upbringing.  There had been far too many years that I was untrusting and built up unnecessary walls.  Second, it reminded me once again of the deep truth that the only person that I can really trust is Jesus.  Scripture reminds us, "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in people" (NLT Psalm 118:8).

 

The experience also gave me a greater level of inner strength and deeper compassion for others who are deceived. I have become a stronger and better person. 

 

There are still times when I start once more to beat myself up for not realizing what was really going on. I am grateful, however, for seeing the facts now rather than later when the ramifications would have been even more devastating.  Futhermore, as soon as the truth was revealed to me, I took action and distanced myself from the betrayer. 

 

Now when the shame of being deceived starts to scream, I ask what's the alternative?  A hard untrusting heart?  That's not something I want. I will definitely be cautious in the future, but with God's help and guidance I will take the risk and trust again.