Everyone makes mistakes and does something wrong. It's what we do about these errors that affects our relationships. In their book Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson say, "To err is human, but humans then have a choice between covering up or fessing up."

Rather than fessing up, many of us cover up and then make excuses for our behavior, as in the following two examples.

While shopping, Mia found a pair of shoes she loved but she had already spent more than she could afford. After purchasing the new shoes, she said, "I know they're too expensive and my husband will be furious, but I've been looking for shoes like these for two years. And they're so comfortable."

Natalie also loves to shop. She thrives on buying gifts for people and enjoys watching their faces light up when they open her presents. The problem is Natalie already owes several close friends hundreds of dollars. One of them asked Natalie, "Why are you spending money you don't have? You can't be doing that. You're already in debt."

Natalie quickly dismissed the question by saying, "God wants us to be generous with others."

We all have the amazing ability to come up with self-serving reasons for our poor choices. This tendency to justify our actions widens, rather than narrows, any rifts already present in our relationships-just ask Mia's angry husband or Natalie's resentful friends.

To overcome this relational mistake, justifying your poor choices, it's important to do the following three things:

1. Understand Your Tendency to Justify Your Mistakes 

Although there are many reasons why we rationalize our actions and decisions, two of the most common ones are the desire to protect our self-image and the need to ease the inner turmoil we feel when our actions conflict with our beliefs and values.

For example, one of my lead-footed friends believes that breaking the law is not wise and has obvious consequences and yet rationalizes his speeding by saying, "I'm just going with the flow of traffic and to slow down might cause an accident."

2. Avoid Staying Stuck in Self-Justification

To avoid the habit of self-justification, it's important to make time to reflect each day on your actions, choices, and attitudes. Be willing to see your less-than-glowing behaviors. When we aren't open to seeing how we can distort reality, one justification will lead to another and another.

Perhaps you believe pleasing God is more important that pleasing people, but you're wearing yourself out trying to make others happy. You have little or no time to devote to what God has called you to do.

Instead of immediately seeking to ease your unpleasant feelings by justifying your choices, stop and live with the tension long enough to coach yourself by verbalizing your behavior versus your beliefs and feelings. Then examine what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better. Your self-coaching might sound like this:

I believe it is more important to please God. And yet I focus on being accepted, popular and making others happy. I justify it by telling myself I have a servant's heart.

I believe two different people will have conflicting opinions and disagreements at times. And yet I'm always stuffing my opinions and feelings so as not to create conflicts. I justify it by telling myself it's important to keep the peace.

3. Admit When You're Wrong

Admitting to ourselves that we're rationalizing our behavior can be unpleasant and humbling. It's not something we like to do. But verbalizing our mistakes to ourselves is the first step toward confessing our faults to those we've hurt. And admitting our wrongs leads to real relationship changes.

How would Mia's marriage improve if she worked with her husband and learned to live within her means? He would probably feel she respected him more and appreciate her efforts to be financially responsible. What if Natalie, who loves to give gifts, could curb her spending until she has repaid her friends? Maybe instead of feeling manipulated and wanting to distance themselves from her, her friends would relax and enjoy being with her.