Are You Helping or Hurting?

Four (4) Questions to Ask

It's winter here in the northeast, and without snow the landscape is bleak. Please understand I'm not complaining, as shoveling snow and driving in icy conditions are not my favorite things. But the lack of the vibrant colors outside reminds me that for some people winter exists inside of them as well as outdoors. These people need comfort, encouragement, and fresh hope. They need gentle reminders that winter is only a season and that after winter comes spring.

Do you know the most difficult time for someone who has experienced a devastating loss? Most people would guess the first three days to the first month. But those in the helping professions have found that 6 to 18 months after a life-disrupting event, people are more prone to depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. At this point loved ones are usually no longer actively reaching out to that person. They have gone back to their regular activities. Reality sinks in for the grieving person; their life has forever changed.

What can you as a co-worker, family member, or friend do to help? You can make a note on your calendar to remind you that you are needed 6 to 18 months after a loss. You can let that person know you still care by making a phone call, sending a note or a book, inviting them to lunch or to join you in some activity they enjoy.  

While it's so easy in life's busyness to be blinded to other's pain, take a few minutes right now and answer these four questions. 

1.  What is the name of one person who recently experienced a devastating loss?  

While God might bring more than one person to mind, write at least one name somewhere where you will remember to pray and reach out to that person(s).

2.  When is the anniversary of their loss?

Anniversaries trigger all kinds of intense feelings. Put a note on your calendar to reach out to that person on the one-year anniversary of the loss. 

3.  When is the 18th month anniversary?

Again jot down a note to remind you that they might still be tender from their tragedy. It isn't unusual to take several years to reconstruct one's life after a difficult setback or loss. 

4.  How can I best comfort and encourage them with my words and interactions? 

After speaking at a women's retreat this weekend, and mentioning the Apostle Paul's call in Romans 12 to mourn with those who mourn, one person privately shared her regrets. "I have a close friend who lost her dream job a year ago and I have not been very encouraging or comforting to her. I guess I wanted her to get on with her life. I now realize how thoughtless I've been. I'm going to call her this afternoon and invite her to go to lunch sometime soon."

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