A new year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other!
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep:
1. Read less.
2. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
3. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store
4. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
5. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
7. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant
8. Start being superstitious.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
10. Take up a new habit: maybe become a chocolate taste tester!
Two Blondes and a Mirror
Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it.
"WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person before."
The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it and says,
"Of course you do. It's me!"
I Drive Like My Brother
I'm driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, "Hey, that was a Stop sign." And he says, "I drive like my brother!"
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light.
I say, "You just ran a red light." And he says, "I drive like my brother!"
So now we're coming up on a green light, and he slows down.
I'm confused, so I say, "It's green; why are you slowing down?"
He says, "My brother might be coming."
Red Light
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us.
I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
"No, I don't need any help," he said, reeking of booze.
Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, "I just stopped for the red light."