Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
Nasty Parrot
Fred bought himself a parrot and after a few weeks the parrot started to talk.
The good news was Fred's parrot was very bright, the bad news was he had a horrible attitude.
The parrot would criticize everything especially Fred's girlfriend, Mazy.
When Mazy would come into the room the parrot would always have something negative to say. For instance one day Mazy came in wearing a new outfit and Fred's parrot asked if she'd been shopping at Goodwill.
As you might guess this type of behavior was putting a strain on Fred and Mazy's relationship. Fred tried all the remedies the pet store owners suggested but nothing worked.
Finally one day just before Mazy came over, Fred told his parrot he had had enough and the parrot wasn't going to mess with Mazy anymore. And to teach him a lesson, Fred shoved his parrot into the freezer.
Well when Mazy arrived she noticed the parrot wasn't anywhere to be found and asked Fred where the parrot was. Fred responded he had put him in the freezer. Mazy, being the sweet person she was, insisted he let the parrot out right now, which Fred did.
To her surprise the parrot was very polite with "yes mam" and "no mam". What a change had come over this bird.
When Fred left the room Mazy asked the parrot why the sudden change. The parrot responded with,
"Are you kidding? Did you see what he did to that chicken?"
Vitamin D
Sally the office manager pulls out a bottle of pills and Vera, the blond receptionist, asks, "What's that?"
Sally, "Vitamin D".
Vera, "Why do you take that?"
Sally, "Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun."
Vera, "Hey, I didn't know they make a vitamin that gives you a tan? Live and learn, Live and learn".