One may believe I'm successful---magazine articles, four books, speaking hundreds of times across the US and other countries. But all was God's doing. His grace and sense of humor took a blind chica and accomplished this without me seeing a thing. And I savor my gratitude as often as I can.
But memories can drag me to times less successful...the echo of something missed, a reflection of an act gone wrong. They remind me of my flaws and all those moments of "What was I thinking?"
- When I lost my sight at 31 and knew my life had ended.
- When I learned my son was murdered and knew I was alone in my pain and would never survive.
- When without permission I sent my first book (the "masterpiece of the century") to another author and knew she would gladly endorse it.
- When I received a rejection from "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and knew my story was worthless.
- When I spoke at my first large event, missed a critical point, and knew I was a failure.
- When I saw a fellow author attempt an avenue to reach higher levels and knew I had to copy her.
- When without prayer or reflection I accepted an agent's contract and knew it was best for me.
What was I thinking? All those times I thought I knew my next step, right path, perfect choice, and certain future. You'd think I would've known better. After all, I had written about the pitfalls of looking to the past. I had seen the drawbacks of dwelling on yesterday's mistakes and last year's failures.
But though I may blush and cringe at the memories, there's something helpful about pondering those moments that cross my life. My mistakes and flawed approaches have great value in making me the person God wants me to be---a servant focused on Him, guided by His hand, living in His Word.
God gently turns my mistakes into mighty lessons. And each tugs me higher to build my character, to be grateful for the flaws, to understand my weaknesses and, goodness gracious, to consider it all joy.
Rather than lamenting my "What was I thinking?" moments, I can relish in the answer to a new question..."What am I thinking now?" And my answer? I'm thinking...pondering...God's promise of a special life. James speaks this into my soul when he wrote:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4 NIV
As you face your own "What was I thinking?" moments...
May God's promise line your heart as He leads you into a life that lacks nothing!
