"I just can't handle this!". "This is unacceptable to me!". "I can't take it anymore!" I wish there would have been an educational component in our past that taught us how Not to run from difficult feelings. Actually, we are designed and built to tolerate these unsettling emotions just fine. Most of us have just forgot... and with a little intentionality we can lessen our own and others suffering.
|
|
The Ointment for Disappointment
Years ago, I sat in a therapist's office describing the trials and tribulations of a relationship. "Oh, it sounds like the two of you haven't found a way to be with disappointment," said the wise and seasoned counselor. I, misunderstanding, smiled and answered, "Oh contraire, we actually disappoint each other all the time!" She shook her head and repeated, "No, no - you have a hard time BEING WITH disappointment." What? Who in their right mind wants to stay with that awful feeling? And yet, in all relationships, we tend to disappoint and be disappointed with fellow human beings.
Is it possible to Be With this experience in such a way that can be, dare I say, enriching? What if my disappointment is like a warning bell, alerting me to my own unmet expectations? Whenever it rings, it shows me my own clinging to "that which should have happened," that which would have kept me in my comfort zone, that which keeps me in my Archie Bunker, no-growth, lounge chair. I want to convince the other to behave in a way that keeps me "comfortable."
A pause, a deep breath, an awareness and acceptance of the passing wave of disappointment often can bring a deeper experience of compassion for self and, wouldn't you know, in a magical twist and moment of grace, we are then able to be much more present to our friends and loved ones when they are wrestling with disappointment.
|
|
________________________________________________________
As we walk with one another this next month, discover if you can catch yourself in a reactive mode when trying to fend off a wave of disappointment. Let go of any self-talk and let the loss move through you with every exhale. 'Til next month - Steve
|
