Greetings! 

If you are new to the Kort Report, I welcome you to my newsletter. If you have already been a subscriber then I thank you for remaining interested in the work I do.

This month I am focusing on BDSM, Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  

 I have been reading the book, Shades of Gray, as many of my heterosexual female clients are talking about this book in therapy. I decided I should be up to speed on what they are reading. It is the first romance novel I have ever read. I am enjoying it immensely and, in fact, am glad the author is educating the public to the concept that BDSM can be fun, playful and consensual and non-pathological. 

Currently elements of BDSM exist as a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used to diagnose clients in the field of psychotherapy. The diagnosis is Sexual Sadism--someone who enjoy inflicting pain and humiliation--and Sexual Masochism--someone who likes to receive pain and humiliation.

There is a movement to have them removed as pathological because most people engaging in these behaviors are not troubled by enjoying this type of sex play nor intend to  harm others or themselves unless agreed upon with a play partner.  

As we are seeing in the erotic novel, Shades of Gray, BDSM can be erotic and very relational.

Those who end up in therapy often are filled with shame and guilt over enjoying sexual fantasies and practices which are non-normative. Once the guilt and shame are removed they are able to enjoy the sexual fantasies fully.  

Our culture still shames and pathologizes those who enjoy unconventional sex. 

I am often shocked to hear from other therapists their belief that clients and the general public wanting to engage in this type of sex play is an attachment disorder or trauma based and that nothing healthy can exist within this sexual realm.

Even television and movies still enjoy sensationalizing non-vanilla sex and include it as part of a crime.   

It reminds me of homosexuality which was often included in crime shows on television and suspense movies giving the impression that homosexuality was related to those who were psychologically unstable and would commit horrendous acts.   

Most people engaging in BDSM and playing with fetishes and other adult and consensual sexuality are very relational. This type of sexual expression demands that partners have deep trust, respect, rules and guidelines in order to  have fun with it.  

While it is true that there are those who coerce partners to engage in this behavior and many who comply because of low self-esteem, it is not the norm. As Deborah Mueller will address in January in her presentation, Sadistic Love: When Clients Accept Pain for Love.

I have seen in my practice when I meet clients into BDSM, Fetishes and other non-normative sexual practices that the shame they experience is similar to those who are closeted gay, lesbian, bisexuals and transgendered (GLBT). They feel unusual, damaged and flawed and this message is massaged by society.  

There is a coming out process that those into BDSM have to do similarly to those who are GLBT. Both are keeping sexual secrets and both have been embarrassed, isolated and deemed problematic just for what they do in the bedroom.

Many who are part of the BDSM culture even see it as an identity to be a "master" or a "slave".  This is very complex and not so black and white as most people would think.  

There is a great new book on BDSM called, "Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities" 

For more resources on BDSM I created a page on one of my websites http://crsh.com/bdsm_resources/  

Happy Holidays to all of you. May the new year bring you peace and happiness. 

Warmly,

Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW