Silence and the search for gold
Introversion is found in people who gain energy by time alone, time spent in reflection. They are not energized by activity and interaction with others as are extroverts.
One of my clients has a young associate who would like to be a partner one day. The two of them worked recently on a project together. After successfully completing their task, my client wanted to celebrate - to literally or figuratively share a high five. His companion, however, is rather inexpressive and did not show any signs of appreciating their shared success. My client observed: "I'm not sure I can have as a partner someone with whom I cannot have a relationship."
Later, my client presented the project results with the entire team and invited feedback, "since we have never done a project like this before." After the meeting his associate appeared miffed, but it was only later that my client heard through another team member that the young man was unhappy because he had completed two similar projects prior to joining the team. It was untrue that "we have never done a project like this before" - he had. My client wondered how his associate could have kept such vital information from him. "How could he not have realized that this was worth sharing? At the very least, I would have leaned on him more and accepted his input as coming from someone who had successfully done this in the past."
When I was younger, my father would share with me how he would attend meetings and sit silently until, nearing the end of the meeting, someone would say: "Ron, we haven't heard from you. What do you think?" I always felt that this was an attempt to impart wisdom without being explicit. "Perhaps if you remained silent, Stephen, people would solicit your opinion rather than your having to speak up uninvited."
As a young faculty member I would go to faculty meetings, telling my friends, "Today, I'm not going to speak." Immediately they would begin wagering on the over/under of when I would speak. Usually the person who was on the under side of ten minutes or so would win. I am not given to silence.
As someone who works with leaders, established and emerging, across a number of industries, I would offer the following three insights about silence.
#1: There is a time to speak - to strategically invest in relationships
If coaching the young associate mentioned above, I would not counsel him to change who he is fundamentally. I rather doubt that's even possible. Instead I would urge him to think of relationships strategically and to recognize that sometimes speaking is a way of fostering and deepening those relationships. That while silence may be golden, silent partners are rather rare. People want to partner with those they know and trust, and communication is essential to that knowing and trusting.
I came home and told this story at the dinner table to our introverted son. "Do you understand what I'm trying to communicate to you through this example?" "Yes." Exactly.
#2: There is a time to speak - to avoid the mindreading that is bound to fail
My wife and I hosted a young couple recently, friends we have known for years. The husband is someone I enjoy immensely. He is well-spoken and thinks deeply. Sometimes, however, his silence is unnerving. He has a way of looking at you that suggests you are veering off course and in your attempt to reconnect you find yourself babbling on and on, somewhat incoherently, hoping that if you say enough somehow you will find your way back to connection and that he will indicate this by smiling or nodding, but until that happens you keep looking for the right words and just keep talking. This would be an incredibly effective interrogation technique if terrorists were interested in maintaining personal relationship with their captors.
As I told a client recently, sometimes you need to speak up in meetings so that your partners imagine fewer dark thoughts behind your impassive mask.
#3: There is a time to speak - to express the gold that you have sifted
Extroverts talk and search for the gold in what they've said. Introverts process internally, sifting for gold to share.
All I ask, introverts, is that when you have found gold, that you share it with those of us who are panning alongside you.
