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Oct 2014 | "You should have known" means I didn't say


 

 
Effective Family Communication
 
There are phrases we should avoid:
  • Virtually anything that includes an unmodified "always" or "never"
  • "I don't mean this the wrong way, but. . ."
  • "I wish you were more like X"
  • "Clearly you don't care about X"
But among the worst, because of its subtlety and allure, is "You should have known."  What that phrase almost always means is "I didn't tell you, but somehow I expected you to read my mind."

It does seem there are bits of knowledge that should be commonsense, things that no one should have to learn. Here are a few examples from my days of working with traditional undergraduates.  "I don't have to pass this class because when I transfer to my next school I'll just start over." Actually there is this document called a transcript.  "If I drop out of school my loans won't matter because I won't have to pay them back."  Read your loan agreement - there was nothing about it only being enforceable if you completed your degree.  Notice that both of these examples involve a document designed to eliminate confusion about one's grade or one's repayment status.

(Not) Surprisingly commonsense has a lot to do with your background - how, where, and by whom you were raised.  I marvel at game show contestants who can't answer basic biblical questions.  For example, "According to the Bible, who was the first murderer?"  Really?  You've never heard of Cain and Abel?

But ask me about tools, geography (remember my Rhode Island example?), Latin, or actors and my ability to respond will be quite limited.  Who thinks of Latin as belonging to the category of commonsense?  A graduate of an elite prep school comes to mind.

Next time you are tempted (and you will be) to say: "She should have known," or "You should have known," stop and ask yourself, "Did I ever tell this person what I think they should know?"  It may be that you are partially or entirely to blame for her ignorance.

Very little in life is truly commonsense where "common" refers to all of humanity.  Typically commonsense is "common" to a particular group of people at a particular point in history.  So rather than assuming that others can read your mind or should know what you think is obvious, be assertive - clear and direct.

Then you can say, "I told you that and you should have remembered."

The excuses for not remembering could be the subject of another newsletter!
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