"I told you, you would never amount to anything."
These were the final words a young woman heard before her mother died. Years later, when I met her, she was still struggling to prove her mother wrong.
I'm sure each of us has words stuck in his mind that have damaging potential. They may not hurt us physically, but they can crush our souls.
#1: Words matter
Hurtful words are easily retained. These blows to our souls leave behind pain and disfigurement. When the speaker is someone with influence in our lives it makes these words that much more believable. Worse, they often expose what we know exists but don't want others to see.
Upbuilding words need to be repeated so they are believed. They must also be supported by loving actions consistent with their messages. Repairing damaged souls takes time - which is why it is so essential that we avoid causing or contributing to damage initially. Superficial responses (e.g., flattery) should also be avoided because they will, at best, provide a temporary patch that will wash away when the first storm is encountered. Telling someone you are confident she will be alright when this is a very real doubt in her mind isn't helpful.
#2: Timing matters
We craft messages in our minds and plan times to communicate them. But just as "quality time" cannot be planned - "We'll have a meaningful conversation about your schoolwork today at 3 PM" - so carefully crafted messages need to be planted in receptive soil in order to flourish.
On a recent spring break trip with one of my children, I had planned three sermonettes. As the trip unfolded, I chose not to deliver them. Not because I had changed my view on these issues, but because I know that how and when words are delivered often matters as much as the intended messages themselves. The wrong time and context may change the intended message into something unintended and damaging.
In the end I decided it was more important to have a positive trip with my child, to enjoy our time together, rather than forcing these messages at that particular time.
#3: The medium matters
Relationships are a wonderful mix of intentional messages and life observed. Typically it is the cumulative effect of life observed that wins out. I tell people that my father was a pastor for more than five decades and that I remember few specific sermons. Far more influential was the sermon of his life lived out in his daily words and actions - many of which were not directed at me, but observed by me as he interacted with others.
Sometimes you do need to speak and the time is now, but you may prefer to communicate through writing. Writing has permanence - the message can be reviewed and reexperienced. This permanence can be both advantage and disadvantage. Writing has the disadvantage of lacking tone and body language that often help to clarify our messages. But if emotion will make it difficult to communicate extemporaneously or you are likely to get off track in the conversation, then writing may be your best option. Knowing which medium to use is important.
Let's never intentionally damage with words. Let's do our best to avoid unintentionally damaging with words. Many of us would trade the potentially superficial injury of having been struck by stick or stone over the long-lasting disfigurement we've suffered from hateful words and actions. |
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Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments!
You can understand each other - really!
Dr. Stephen Julian
Copyright © 2013 by Dr. Stephen Julian. All rights reserved. |
