Each year I write a year-end letter for our family.  Some years we send it.

This year's letter is about the growing independence of our three children. Here's my first paragraph:

Always the objective has been the same - to produce high-functioning, independent adults who live out their beliefs and values in a way that honors their Creator and impacts their world for good.  It's just that as independence approaches you question how well you've done with the rest of the equation.  That's the irony.  It was always about their lives being theirs.  You never had control.  You had and have tons of influence that you seek not to squander, but it was never control.  But are they high-functioning?  Are they secure in their beliefs and values?  Are they living them out?  Do they honor their Creator?  Do they think about the world outside of their egocentric bubble?  Do we?

What I realized as I wrote is that there are three types of independence we must deal with in raising children: 1) Locational independence, 2) Behavioral independence, and 3) Interpersonal independence.

Our eldest child is experiencing locational independence as he is now away at college. Our challenge is to release him without abdicating all influence. Our limited phone conversations had to be disciplined so that they didn't become grilling sessions where we were trying to manage his behavior from afar. Key for me was to affirm his good decisions and not to overemphasize his poor decisions. This is something we tried to do while he was at home, but it is even more important now that both parties are aware of his locational independence.

Our middle child is experiencing behavioral independence. For example, we have tried to influence our children's musical tastes so that they are reflective of our deeper values as a family.  But while this was in place for our eldest and has never been a real issue with our youngest, we have allowed greater freedom than we once anticipated with our middle child. Key for me is to connect with her musically so that I can continue to have a conversation and to provide influence without seeking control (that I don't have anyway). She has taken to giving me music CDs for special occasions - ones that she creates from music she likes and thinks I might or should enjoy.  I gave her a five-disc compilation for Christmas (a late birthday gift as well) entitled "Life Love Death Rebirth." The goal was to share meaningful music with her without preaching.  I had my own songs I wanted to share with her that had lyrics that were "dangerous" and yet I trust her to hear them and to hear my heart in sharing them with her.

Our youngest is experiencing, and always will be, interpersonal independence.  As our lone introvert in a family of extroverts there is always a part of him that is difficult for us to reach.  It's not that he doesn't talk, he does.  It's that he isn't internally compelled to share many things.  There is so little of the "I will explode if I don't say this" that extroverts experience throughout the day.  So some of the life conversations that have come naturally in parenting our older children won't come at all with our youngest if they are not prompted and prompting does not always produce a conversation.  Key for me is allowing him to talk when he is ready.  With extroverts if they are talking and it isn't a good time for you, you can always shut them down knowing that the stream of information will force its way to the surface in another place not far distant.  With our youngest this may be the one time that the stream surfaces for miles and so forcing it underground may mean living without the water for a rather long distance (especially when viewed through the eyes of an extroverted recipient).