I led a seminar earlier this week and at one point I was asking if there were any questions.  Near the back of the room a hand went up.  The gist of the question was: "If we're supposed to allow for our children's different personality types and we're not supposed to impose our preferences on them as though our preferences are right, how do we handle situations where we're convinced our way is better?"

  

Before I share my answer, let me set the scene of a real world scenario.  Except my scenario involves three people - two parents and a child, each having a different personality type and preferences.

  

Our oldest leaves for college this week.

  

The question: Should he attend a farewell cookout with his friends held in his honor the night before he leaves?

  

The reality: Given his personality type and his preference for procrastination it is difficult to imagine he will have everything done prior to that evening.

  

My wife's response reflected the high value she places on relationships and experiences with others - she wanted him to go, but to come home at a reasonable hour.

  

My response reflected the high value I place on getting things done and not being overwhelmed by last minute pressures - I wanted him to see his friends earlier in the week even if that meant that not all could attend and they couldn't have a cookout.

  

So it boiled down to three responses:

We weren't convinced he would make a mature decision and knew that his choice would impact us significantly.

  

We couldn't agree on the definition of "reasonable."

  

So, in this instance, I felt free to be directive.

  

My answer at the seminar was that we need to allow others to be themselves and to express their individual personalities and preferences while encouraging them to be mature versions of themselves.  When our at-home children are not mature then we may need to step in and help them reach appropriate decisions without thereby suggesting that their personality types or preferences are wrong and in need of fundamental change.  It is the expression of those types and preferences that is in need of maturation.

  

Within another week our ability to direct his actions will decrease significantly, and within four years (we trust) that ability to direct will decrease yet again.  Ultimately he will be left to express his personality and preferences - whether with maturity or immaturity.  Just like the rest of us adults.

  

I woke up recently thinking, "I have 10 days left to influence my son."  The good news?  A friend said, "Actually your influence grows and the conversations are so much more interesting when your children become adults."  I've had that confirmed by others and so I look forward to future opportunities to encourage maturity without the need to direct.