Life is about learning the right lessons - not just any lessons available to be learned.

Judy and I have been married for nearly 26 years.  She is a doer who loves serving others and helping to meet their needs in practical ways.  Sometimes I refer to her as the Energizer Bunny because she just keeps going and going.  I am a planner who prizes efficiency of effort and getting things done.

So, recently we found ourselves in a familiar situation.  I had checked things off of my list and was simply looking for an opportunity to relax.  She was busy preparing cookies for friends' graduation parties.  I felt guilty for relaxing and she resented my opportunity to relax.  But I can't possibly keep up with her activity level and she finds it difficult to say "no" because this is how she blesses others and expresses her strengths.

This is where learning the right lessons comes in.  I consistently challenge leaders not to learn the wrong lessons.

The CEO who is driven, direct, and demanding wants to soften his image.  That's fine as long as he is talking about expressing empathy and demonstrating emotional intelligence, but if he is trying to become someone else, that's never going to work.  His drive is largely why he's in his position at the head of his company.

Judy has learned through the years to be more selective in her commitments and I have learned the value of coming alongside to help.  She has learned to take time to relax and I have realized the value of altering my expectations to serve the needs of others.  But at the end of the day, she remains the Energizer Bunny and I need down time.  We aren't going to change one another fundamentally, but we can encourage one another to be mature versions of ourselves.  (It is encouraging to see that we are farther down this path than we were when our marriage began!)

Learn the right lessons - the lessons that help you become a better you.  Resist trying to learn lessons based on fundamentally changing who you are. Build on the best versions of your strengths, eliminate the weaknesses that hold you back, and quit trying to become someone else.

Once you figure that out for yourself, offer that freedom to others.  Allow them to become the best versions of themselves.  This is one of the greatest gifts you can give and it's available only as you learn the right lessons in your own life.