Selfishness, maturity, and love.
I knew I wasn't selfish and then I got married. I was confident I had conquered selfishness and then we had children. Now I know that I am selfish and that I must choose to act from maturity with love.
During the Cold War we were bombarded with two messages that were difficult to reconcile. One was that the Soviets wanted to bomb us into another Dark Age. That message produced several easy responses, one of which was to cheer against all Soviet bloc athletes at every Olympic Games knowing that they represented all that was evil in the world. The other message was that just like us the Soviets were humans who loved their children and only desired their good. This perspective was captured in Sting's 1985 song "Russians." Some of the lyrics were as follows:
In Europe and America, there's a growing feeling of hysteria
Conditioned to respond to all the threats
In the rhetorical speeches of the Soviets
Mr. Krushchev said we will bury you
I don't subscribe to this point of view
It would be such an ignorant thing to do
If the Russians love their children too
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
What might save us, me, and you
Is if the Russians love their children too
Let's assume for a moment that humans have a natural tendency to love their offspring and that most people are so predisposed. I'd say there is a strong case to be made that people are also predisposed to selfishness and that love and selfishness collide countless times throughout our lives when we are faced with real-world decisions.
So what's the answer? Maturity. Maturity is living out our preferences - the way we wish the world would operate - appropriately in the presence of others. We learn that sometimes we should give up our preferences for the benefit of others.
What is love? There are many definitions, but for me it has always come down to a rather simple question: Is my desire and are my actions undertaken with your best interests at heart (or "in mind" if you prefer a more cognitive focus)? Obviously at times we disagree as to what constitutes another's best interests (just think about debates over how best to correct the behavior of children), but the way I judge whether I really love someone is whether I act with their best interests in mind. Whether I act selflessly to further what is best for them. That sort of action requires maturity.
There is a simple love expressed by children in the sharing of an ice cream cone with no regard for the contagion they may be spreading. But try to take a toy from a child and you are likely to be greeted with "Mine!" With three teenagers in our home we are sometimes tempted to respond to their outbursts in kind, but maturity and a selfishness-conquering love lead us to act in their best interests even when that makes our lives more difficult.
I don't know many Russians, but I know enough Americans to be confident that the problem we all face is selfishness and that the answer is a mature expression of love. My perspective on love is rooted in my faith and I am reminded that Jesus once said: "There is no greater expression of love than a man laying down his life for his friend."
Mature selflessness expressed for the betterment of another - that's what allows marriages to thrive and children to love their parents and for generations of families to impact the world around them for good.
In 2013 rededicate yourself to mature love and marvel at the impact you have!
