A friend and I were marveling at how little some spouses communicate to one another. They communicate plenty about each other to those outside their marriage, but fail to actually talk with the one person who could make the desired changes.
So here are two principles that make it more likely you'll wake up next to your best friend when you become empty nesters.
1) Do not use your children as buffers
Few people marry a stranger. Many people wake up to a spouse who has become a stranger over time.
Choosing to communicate indirectly or to avoid communication altogether are steps in the progression from friend to stranger.
"Go tell your mother that I'm running to the store and won't be home for dinner." The child is being used as a buffer to communicate indirectly.
Or an angry spouse chooses to avoid rather than to confront because avoiding is relatively painless in the short run and confronting hasn't ended well in the past. Some parents who are pouring their lives into their children are doing so, in part, to avoid interaction with a distanced spouse. Hours spent at ball practice are hours one doesn't have to spend at home.
Depending upon how far down this road you may be, the solution may be as simple as an honest review of your marriage over a dinner-for-two or as complex as working through specific issues with a marriage counselor.
Either way, if you continue to use your children as buffers from one another that conversation will grow only more difficult with time.
2) Do not leave expectations uncommunicated
Most of us have experienced finding out that someone is angry with us without understanding why. Often it's the result of unmet expectations that were never communicated clearly.
Spouses are often guilty of leaving expectations unexpressed. "He's been married to me for fifteen years; how could he not know that I want him to scrape the snow off of my car before he leaves for work?" How would he know if you've never expressed this?!
Assuming my spouse can read my mind is a surefire way to assist her in violating my unexpressed expectations and from there it is a predictable journey to bitterness, avoidance, and waking up as strangers.
