Raising children comes with its share of challenges. Periodically you pass through a transitional point that lets you know you're on the right path and making progress.
Potty training is one such transition point. Judy and I had three children in three years and I remember coming home from work with Judy wondering if we would ever get all three potty-trained. I assured her we would not be sending kids to high school in diapers, but there were days when that seemed like a real possibility.
Thumb sucking, or the cessation of thumb sucking, was another transitional point. We had one child who would not be satisfied with thumb or pacifier. One child was willing to accept a pacifier and another figured out that a thumb made a pretty good pacifier always at the ready. But would our thumb sucker be going to high school with digit in mouth? Thankfully today he is in middle school and no thumb-sucking persists (more on this story below).
What contributes to these transitions? Let me suggest three factors:
- Consistent influence as parents contributes to transitional moments.
- Consistent principles accepted by the child make decisions much easier to reach and implement.
- Predetermined responses can make the difference in the heat of the moment and make a transition more fulfilling.
I often challenge people that the only control we exercise in life is self-control. But we have tremendous influence in the lives of those around us, particularly our children. Don't ever lose sight of your influence or allow specific moments or events to blind you to the reality that influence exerted over time is powerful and makes significant transitions possible (e.g., transitioning from high school to life outside the home).
Decisions are easier when they emerge from a clear set of principles adopted by the child internally. Many parents today assume their children will engage in sexual activity prior to marriage. To suggest otherwise is quaint, naive, and out of touch. Well, I've been accused of worse. We believe that our children's lives and marriages (should they choose to be married) will be better if they delay sexual activity until they are married. Judy and I can bear testimony to this in our own lives. This is based on principles from our faith and our separate upbringings. So we work to relate those principles to our children as well as their rationale - knowing we cannot force them to adopt these principles but can influence them to internalize them over time. We discuss social influences - TV, movies, music - as well as our talking about our pasts. I have told my kids that while I dated many girls / young women, one of the things I am proudest of is that I could see any one of those women today and view them as a friend and someone with whom I am comfortable. I want the same for my children's lives.
Finally, predetermined responses are essential to making appropriate decisions. Some say that any person is capable of murder or adultery (pick the most interesting human failing), but I would contend that some have predetermined their responses to make such behaviors virtually impossible. Not because of their external persona or the impression they create in others, but because of their character and the internal decisions they have made long ago. We can make predetermined choices based on our principles and the influence of others we respect - choices that keep us from acting out of passion in the moment. Cut off by an aggressive driver who steals your spot in a crowded parking lot, you may want to ram her car (reminiscent of Fried Green Tomatoes - click on the link to relive the scene), but you've made decisions about how to handle conflict that preclude that as a live option.
By the way, our child who sucked his thumb quit cold turkey. How? He approached my wife with the following proposal - if I quit sucking my thumb can I have a Happy Meal from McDonald's? She told him if he could go three days without sucking his thumb, he had a deal. He followed through on his end of the bargain and at the age of four passed through another of life's key transitions.
Someday we won't be around to buy that Happy Meal and we will count on our child being internally motivated through our consistent influence, a set of principles he has adopted, and choices he has predetermined. That's what we are hoping for as we raise children who will one day be independent adults. What more can we ask?
