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Treatment and Support for Families Affected by Alzheimer's and other Memory Disorders
March-April 2016

Vol 7, Issue 2 

forgetmenots
Caregiver
Network
News

A newsletter for
caregivers of loved ones
with memory loss

 

 

 

Caregiver FAQs

 

My husband with Alzheimer's has just moved into a long-term care facility.  Do you have any suggestions on how to handle it when he wants to come home?  I'm reluctant to take him home "to check his office"  in case it is too hard to get him back to his facility.
This can be a common issue when someone is getting used to living in a facility.  Sometimes taking him home
may create more confusion, especially this early in the transition.  Although your husband clearly has a need to remain busy and connected, here's something to keep in mind:  even if you did take him home to his office, chances are that he would go in, ruffle through some papers, look through some drawers, not have any idea what he's looking for, and not do anything specific - but it's the 
familiarity of the actions and the surroundings that would be comforting.  Time and again, someone begs to "go home" or "go to Tryon," or "go to my office" and then when they get there are disappointed and frustrated and confused.  They don't know how to answer when their caregiver asks, "What did you want to see here?  What do you need?  What are you looking for? Why did we come?"   We, as caregivers, tend to forget that our loved ones living with dementia frequently have trouble with spoken language, and so we automatically take their what they say literally.  What we have to do instead is learn to read the emotion behind their words.

Having a job, a sense of purpose, is a basic human need, and it crops up a lot in persons living with dementia when they lose it, either through loss of ability or loss of familiar routine.   I'm guessing that your husband, when he lived at home, was busy in his office a lot.  I'm also guessing that during the last several months, as his cognitive abilities declined, he still puttered around in his office, but probably didn't accomplish as much work as he used to.  We see this a lot in the earlier stages of the disease:  Mom might "be in the kitchen" but no food was actually being prepared.  She'd have the washing machine running, but there wouldn't be anything in it.  Old habits die hard, and these were habits of a lifetime that don't completely go away simply because the person has dementia.
So as the person is losing more and more of his thinking skills, his emotional needs loom large.  These are what we always want to try to address....we want to "scratch his itch."  So with that in mind, let's look at your husband's request:  by wanting to go "check his office," what NEED is he expressing?  What is his "itch?" -- The need to be busy, productive, to have a purpose.  He feels like he should be doing something constructive. Telling him, "Don't worry, there's nothing there you need to do" wouldn't be of much help.  It wouldn't "scratch his itch."  Taking him home and letting him spend time in his office might provide a temporary solution, but when he gets back to the facility he faces the same problem, so it's likely that he'd make the same request the next day, and the next.  But what would be some other ways you could address that need - scratch that itch -  without taking him home?

One of the easiest solutions is to bring some of his office materials to him at the facility.  If he used a briefcase, bring them in that.  If he used file folders, bring some of those.   We had a daughter whose father attended an adult day program, and would be worried every morning when he arrived about "his papers."   It often resulted in a tussle to get him to go in.  So she found one of his old briefcases, put in some old bank statements and official-looking documents, and kept it in the car.  When he got out of the car at the center, she would hand him his briefcase so he could carry it in with him.  The staff told her that he once he was in and settled, he never asked for it, but it was enough to have it to carry in from the car.  It scratched his itch.
Include some unopened mail if possible.  Look around his office and see what's there that you can bring that you don't need to have back (nothing important!), or make copies of things that you don't want to lose. Bring anything that you thing will be of interest:  photos, memorabilia, whatever resonates with him.  Don't overwhelm him, bring only a few items at a time.

Next, just handing him the items probably won't be enough.  You'll need to engage with him.  "Here's your mail from yesterday.  Why don't we open it?"  or "Here's that statement/letter/article you had asked me to bring (even if he didn't).  Or "Can you help me with some of these papers?  I don't know which ones to keep." See if he will sort through them.  Now keep in mind, this doesn't have to make sense to you, only to him.  If you say "sort" and then try to put restrictions on it ("No, that's from the bank, that goes in this pile"), he might just get frustrated.  Don't assume he can comprehend the content or category of each item.  Let him decide how the job should be done.  The goal isn't to actually sort through the papers; the goal is to keep him engaged and to scratch his itch about needing to be busy.  It may just be enough for him to have them to carry around. One caregiver was trying to engage his father, a former bridge champion.  Trying to play an entire round was frustrating, so instead the son would deal out the four hands, then ask his father to count the points in each hand.  Sometimes Dad would even "start the bidding," and they might suggest how the partner would answer. That was enough.  But it scratched Dad's itch.
These activities might hold his attention for a short while, and he will possibly ask for some additional things that you can bring on future visits (and if you can't find them, say so, but with a reassuring solution such as "No, I remembered when I was looking for it that you had already mailed it in / given it to the accountant / put it in the lockbox....whatever fits).  The idea is to let him know he had already taken care of whatever it was. The other solution is to bring a reasonable facsimile ("Here's that statement / article / letter you asked me yesterday to bring to you").   

Another excellent strategy that nearly always gets good results is to enlist the facility's help.  This one is almost always a slam-dunk:  asking those residents who are able to "help" with folding laundry or sorting socks, tools, magazines, a basket of activity balls, whatever is available.  Ask the staff at your husband's facility what they suggest.  See if they can ask your husband to "help" them with some filing, or sorting papers, etc.  Try to make it an activity that's similar to what he did at home.  You can even leave the things you've brought from home with them, so that they can bring them out when needed ("your wife dropped these off for you.")  One man became his facility's "shredder," and would go into the office every day to shred all the papers they had accumulated in a box for this purpose.  Another sorted the paper clips.  Another sorted the CD collection.  Get the idea?  The key is asking for his help.   Keep in mind, too, that your husband's cognitive impairment is likely more advanced than you may realize, so be open to giving him a job that won't be frustrating to him, even if to you it appears to be beneath his ability.   He'll appreciate being successful at it.
The one thing you do NOT want to do is try to explain to your husband why he can't go home.  If he asks "Why can't I just go home with you?" or "Why won't you take me?" your best answer is one that's vague without a lot of wordy explanations.  "The doctor doesn't want you traveling yet" is one suggestion, or "Maybe we'll try that another day when I'm feeling better."  One of the very best answers, and the one closest to the truth, is "I know that you miss being in your office.  You spent every morning in there with your coffee, didn't you?  What were you doing in there all that time?"   It's fine to encourage him to talk about it, and to point out things you remember (without asking him if HE remembers!):  "I came across your file on that trip we took to South America a long time ago.  Didn't we have fun?"   The idea here is that you acknowledged the importance of his office, then offered something else to engage his interest.    

Maya Angelou said, "I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself."  Eventually, as your husband becomes more accustomed to his new living arrangements, it will start to feel like home, and he should stop asking this question.

 

 

Recommended Online Reading

"How to Reduce Caregiver Stress"
from the Alzheimer's Reading Room
CLICK HERE to read

"10 Stress Relief Tips for Caregivers"
from DailyCaring.com
CLICK HERE to read

"Acceptance Can Lead to Joy"
by Marie Marley
CLICK HERE to read

 

 

Local Caregiver Publishes Book in Memory of her Husband

 


A Long Goodbye: Poems for Caregivers and Loved Ones of Those Suffering with Dementia


by Judith Zottoli
Asheville, NC

A collection of original poems written during the years she cared for her husband Ed who was living with dementia.
Charles

Charles is an angel.
Ed's friend of 75 years
visits him every month
in the nursing home.

Long distances,
busy lives,
denial and fear 
keep family and friends away,
and create isolation
for Ed and me.

Charles is an angel
who never gives up
on his friend
who is disappearing.

   (June 2015)

Judy is donating one-half of the proceeds from her book to the MemoryCaregivers Network in appreciation for the help she and Ed received throughout their six-and-a-half-year journey with dementia.
  
The book is available through Amazon for $10, or you may contact Judy directly at saugus2001@yahoo.com

 

  

 

              

   MCLogo  

UPCOMING EVENTS

 

  

Save the Date!

Aging and Driving Workshop


presented by
Dr. Lisa Verges of MemoryCare

Friday, July 22
(time TBA, watch this space for details or visit www.memorycare.org)

Hendersonville First Baptist Church (Crosswalk)
312 5th Avenue West, Hendersonville 

  

  


MCLogo
       ONGOING
     PROGRAMS

Open to the Public
 

MEMORYCAREGIVERS NETWORK
SUPPORT & EDUCATION GROUPS
 
FLETCHER GROUP
 First Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.
 Fletcher 7th Day Adventist Church 
Howard Gap Road and Naples Road, Fletcher, N.C.
(just past Park Ridge Hospital)

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

      New Hope Presbyterian Church

 3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

        (across from Givens Estates)

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

Network meetings are open to the public.

The Network relies on charitable support to keep its program going.
To make a donation, contact Chad Conaty, Director of Development & Outreach, 
at conaty@memorycare.org, 
or CLICK HERE to Donate Now!
 
For more information about the MemoryCaregivers Network, contact:
Mary Donnelly
828.230.4143
Pat Hilgendorf
828.301.0740

 


"CAREGIVER COLLEGE"
MemoryCare's ongoing educational series for caregivers 
A series of six lectures will be provided for anyone caring for a person with a memory disorder.  Sessions are designed to improve caregiver understanding of different aspects of dementia care.  Related presentation materials will be provided. 

Course Content:
What Is Dementia?
Transitioning from Independence to Interdependence
Functional and Behavioral Changes of Dementia
Dementia Treatment Options & Risk Reduction
Caring for the Caregiver
Dementia and Legal Planning Issues

next session:

Waynesville/Haywood Program

May 17 - June 21, 2016
Tuesdays
3:30 to 5:30 pm
Maple Leaf Adult Day (next door to the Senior Center)
63 Elmwood Way, Waynesville
Instructor: Lisa Verges, MD

(next Asheville session will be Fall 2016)

For more information, contact MemoryCare
828.771.2219 or office@memorycare.org

 

SCROLL DOWN

 

for MORE COMMUNITY EVENTS!

 

 

Caregiver Network News
is made possible by the charitable support of donors.
It is an auxiliary program of

   MCLogo

MemoryCare's mission is three-fold:

To provide specialized medical care to older adults with cognitive impairment;

to support caregivers with education, counseling,and improved access to services; and to provide community education.

 

MemoryCare relies on charitable donations for operations.
Please consider MemoryCare in your estate planning.

To make a donationCLICK HERE.

Click this link to visit our website:  www.MemoryCare.org

 


speaker at podium
Do you need a program for a group event? 
Public education is not only a part of the President's National Plan to Address Alzheimer's Disease, it's a part of MemoryCare's mission statement.

The MemoryCaregivers Network staff can provide speakers on a variety of subjects, including Recognizing Early Warning Signs of Memory Loss, Facts and Fiction about Dementia, Better Communication Techniques, and more. 

Contact Mary Donnelly at network@memorycare.org,
or Chad Conaty, Director of Development & Outreach, at conaty@memorycare.org

 


OTHER COMMUNITY PROGRAMS & EVENTS
(The following programs are not part of MemoryCare but help our community by serving those impacted by memory impairment.)

 

  

 

TWO free seminars

Understanding Dementia for Search and Rescue

presented by
Teepa Snow, MS, OTR/L, FAOTA
Nationally recognized dementia specialist

Sunday, April 10
Two sessions:  9am-12noon   and   1-4pm

Spartanburg Community College
Tracey Gaines Auditorium
107 Community College Drive, Spartanburg, SC  29303

sponsored by Spartanburg County Search & Rescue

 

Caregiver Workshop

The Invisible Yardstick
a presentation on living through the stages of dementia

presented by Bill Smutny

Saturday, April 23
10:00-11:30am
Mud Creek Baptist Church
403 Rutledge Drive, Hendersonville NC


Free and open to the public
To register, call Patty at 828.692.1262 ext 135
or email alzmaze@gmail.com

 

SIDE BY SIDE SINGING STARTING AGAIN!

FRIDAY, May 6, 13, and 20
1:30pm

Calvary Episcopal Church Parish Hall
2840 Hendersonville Rd, Fletcher NC
 
Free and Open to Anyone!

For More Information, visit www.SideBySideSinging.wordpress.com 

 

G.O.L.F.
(Gentlemen Only Lunch Fraternity)



A monthly gathering of Gentlemen Caregivers

It's not a support group. 
It's not a meeting.
It's  just a bunch of guys getting together. 
After all, why should the ladies have all the fun?

Meets every 2nd Tuesday, 12:30pm
Tupelo Honey South
(1829 Hendersonville Rd, across from Gerber Village)

No RSVP required, just come join us!

For more information, contact Woodie Dyches at 828.712.9726, woodrow344@yahoo.com
or Keith Holdsworth at 703.915.2345, keithholdsworth20@yahoo.com

 

Memory Loss Caregivers of East Buncombe
An education & support group for caregivers
sponsored by the Highland Farms Residents' Corporation 

Meets every second Tuesday
9:30-11:30 a.m.
Lounge Room 3 (lower level), J-K entrance of  Brookside Building 
Highland Farms Retirement Community, Black Mountain, NC
Free and Open to the Public
For more information, contact: 
Mary Donnelly
828.230.4143
marydd60@charter.net
Pat Hilgendorf
828.301.0740
patricia.hilgendorf@gmail.com

 

Henderson County Caregiver Support Group 

Two meetings every third Tuesday
1:00 p.m. AND 3:30 p.m.

First United Methodist Church
204 6th Ave W, Hendersonville, NC 28739
For more information, contact Lisa Kauffman at 828.696.9799

 

Support Groups for Persons Living With Memory Loss

Initial screening required for all early-stage groups.

The New Hope Group
1:00-2:30 p.m. on the third Tuesday of each month
(meets concurrently with the MemoryCaregivers Network New Hope Group above)
Contact Mel Kelley, 828.301.0529 or avant_garden@msn.com 
The Biltmore Group
1:00-2:30 p.m. on the second Thursday of each month
Biltmore Methodist Church
376 Hendersonville Road Asheville, 28803  (Exit 50 off I-40)
Contact Cannan Hyde, 828.357.8307 or cannanhyde@att.net
The Highland Farms Group
9:30-11:30 a.m. on the second  AND fourth Tuesdays of each month
(2nd Tuesday group meets concurrently with the Memory Loss Caregivers of East Buncombe above)
Contact Mel Kelley, 828.301.0529 or avant_garden@msn.com 

The Hendersonville Group
1:30-3:30 on the second and fourth Tuesdays of each month
Mud Creek Baptist Church
 Contact Patty Williams at 828.692.1262 or patty@mudcreekchurch.org

 

memory cafe logo
Memory Cafés
A Social Gathering For Those with Memory Loss and their Friends & Families

First Baptist Church, 5 Oak Street, Asheville
Third Thursdays, 1-3pm 
828-252-4781     lbrown@fbca.net

Calvary Episcopal Church, 2940 Hendersonville Road, Fletcher
Third Saturdays 2-4pm
828-684-6266    bettyrobbins@morrisbb.net

Sylva First Baptist Church Fellowship Center, 669 W. Main St, Sylva
(collaboration with First Methodist, First Presbyterian, & St. John's Episcopal)
Second Thursdays 10am-12pm
828-452-2500      meltonann@att.net

Hendersonville First Baptist Church, Crosswalk Bldg, 577 Buncombe St, Hendersonville
Second Mondays, 1-3pm
828-388-1421     vaelwell@yahoo.com

Come for Fun, Relaxation, and Socializing in a Café-like Setting! 

 

 

 Notable Quotable

 

"Sometimes the best way to hold on
is to let go."
- Paulette Bekolo       
 

 

 

 

 

Caregiver Network News is written and edited by Mary Donnelly.
Contact network@memorycare.org for more information.
 
Click Here to subscribe to Caregiver Network News.
 
Click Here
 to access our archives and read previous issues. 

Mary Donnelly
MemoryCare

MemoryCare | 100 Far Horizons Lane | Asheville | NC | 28803