CAREGIVER FAQs

Let's look first at your mother's interest in talking to the dogs.  Although she may have a particular affinity for dogs, there's probably another more compelling reason that she's drawn to do this:  dogs don't talk back!  

 
Dementia nearly always affects a person's language center, so that they begin to have difficulty with words - finding and expressing them, understanding them, and processing their meaning.  Imagine if every time someone spoke to you, you picked up only half of what they said.  It would make it pretty challenging to follow their conversation, wouldn't it?   In addition, if every time you spoke to someone they corrected you, or asked you to clarify what you meant, or finished your sentence for you, you'd probably become frustrated and just stop talking.  This is what it's often like for your mother to carry on a conversation with you and your family.  But consider what happens when she talks to the dogs:  they accept what she says, they don't pelt her with questions, they don't disagree or argue with her, they don't ask her to do something she doesn't understand - in short, they make absolutely no demands on her at all!  After a long day of doing her best to follow all those words with her impaired language center, it must be very refreshing to be able to say whatever she likes to someone who simply listens! 

Dogs aren't the only good listeners out there.  Some families who don't have pets have found that their loved ones respond to a repeating parrot.  This is a battery-operated toy available online (Pete the Repeating Parrot is one that's recommended on the Alzheimer's Reading Room blog) that simply repeats back whatever it hears.  For some, it's just a fun thing to do, but for others who may have more severe loss of language, it can often help them regain some of their lost speech.  You may think it's silly, but I'm guessing your mother would love it!  It may or may not improve her conversational skills, but it would very likely make her laugh, and that's worth more than the purchase price!

As your mother's dementia progresses, she may relate less to the present time and  live more in her past.  This happens for many people with dementia - this is because our older memories tend to be stronger than our newer ones.  The last memories to be stored are most often the first ones to be lost.  In your mother's past, she would have had a husband who came home at the end of his work day and would want his dinner - and these memories can be triggered when the kitchen is bustling, dinner smells are coming from the stove, the table is being set, the sun is going down.  Is it any wonder, then, that she's looking for him?   

People with dementia may remember an important event, retain only some of it, or forget it entirely.  Some may occasionally ask about it; for example, "Did Fred die?"    Others may be too emotionally sensitive to cope with the news.  Although we consider it respectful to be honest with our loved ones, we must also be respectful of their feelings, especially when they simply may not be able to understand.  So if the truth is painful or repeatedly distressing for someone, it's usually best to let it go.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean that you should avoid the subject entirely.  It is often comforting to a person with dementia to talk about someone or something that they miss.  Asking them to share what's on their mind can help alleviate feelings of grief or loss, and turn a potentially upsetting incident into a time of pleasant storytelling.  

So the next time your mother wonders where her husband is, you might encourage her to talk about him...without insisting that she face the truth about his death.  By so doing, you are allowing her to be wherever her mind is comfortable at that moment and to enjoy whatever memories she still has.  You can smile, put your arm around her as she's setting that extra place, and say, "Yes, Mom, Dad always enjoys his dinner, doesn't he?  What's his favorite meal?"   Then enjoy a minute or two of reminiscing with her before asking her to put the napkins out. 

send your caregiving questions to network@memorycare.org

Dementia has taken its toll on former North Carolina coach Dean Smith, but family and devoted friends stand by the beloved coach.

Click Here to read the ESPN article by Tommy Tomlinson. 

The ABCs of DEMENTIA 

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