CAREGIVER WISDOM

What is the most important thing you have learned as a caregiver?

Tell everyone to get their wills and legal documents done right now!  Don't wait!  My husband and I re-did everything the moment we got his diagnosis, and it was such a relief to me to know that everything was in place when I needed it.  

I found that trying to be calmer around him actually made me feel calmer, too.  Kind of like yoga without the stretching.  

The importance of people in my life - a call or card saying "miss you" or "thinking about you" can mean the difference between a good day and a bad one.  If I'm feeling really down now, I'll reach out by calling someone and it always helps.

I don't waste time explaining things to Dad.  I just make the change or fix the problem or whatever, and move on.  

I've learned to define what's really important to me.  I can't do everything, so I accept only those invitations or do those activities that I know I'll enjoy and that won't exhaust me. 

You have to have help, you can't do this alone.  My support group and the people at the adult day program are lifesavers. 

I've learned to go into "her world."  I accept that she can't always understand or appreciate what's going on around her, and it's easier on both of us if I don't try to explain it to her.  

Telling everybody what we're dealing with....family, friends, neighbors, church members, hairdressers, dentists...everybody.  

I have to blow off steam.....I absolutely have to.  It's much better to go somewhere and cry, or call up a friend and complain, than it is to blow up at my mother.  

I found out that a lot of the things I didn't think would work did, and a lot of the things I thought would work, didn't!  For example, everyone kept telling me to take my wife to an adult program, but I didn't think she'd like it.  She didn't like it the first two times, but then she loved it.  I would never have believed it!  So now I try to be more open-minded about new ideas.  

I don't worry too far ahead.  

I've learned that this is a permanent change.  It's not going back to where it was.  That's hard.  

Do as much as you can now.  We may not be able to travel any more, but we can still go on drives on a pretty day and eat dinner at a new restaurant.  There are still things for us to enjoy together.

I found out what love means.  It means I love her anyway.

What is the hardest part of being a caregiver for someone with memory loss?

The hardest part was early on, when we didn't know or understand what was happening.  It's a lot better now.

The angry outbursts.  I can handle the repetitiveness but the negativity's a lot harder.

The constant responsibility.  I'm not used to having to make all the decisions by myself.

Watching my dad decline so much.  It's hard to see him so lost.

There's always something new to deal with.  You think you have it all under control and then something else comes up.

I've had to redefine my marriage.  I still love him but I feel more and more like I'm single.

The loneliness.

I am more patient.  I would never have considered myself a patient person before this.  

I have learned to let go of minor stuff that used to be important.  

We always hear about how stress is the "silent killer" but now I know firsthand how very true that is.  I am very aware now of when I feel stressed, and I do something about it right then.   

I stopped resisting and insisting; he is where he is each day.  

I have learned the importance of "me" time.  I don't come from the "me" generation so this was a big step!  

I make an effort to look after myself more.  I know I am a much better person when I do nice things for myself occasionally.  

I - well, both of us, really - have become closer to our kids.  

After two years of fighting this, I am finally learning to accept it.  I wish I had done it sooner.  

I talk less and smile more!

Jane is one of the Forgotten Heroes who is caring for someone with memory loss.  Because she now has to stay at home with Dick, she isn't able to get out and do the things she used to do.  She's had to give up most of her former life.  Her friends used to call her, but one by one they've stopped.  She hears from them only now and then.  And this could continue for several years.

Remember them.
Let them know they are not forgotten.      

Don't go through this alone.  Talk to others who understand.   

UPCOMING EVENTS 

SAVE THE DATE!

Spring Caregiver Conference

Wednesday, May 7, 2013

10:00am - noon 

First Baptist Church, downtown Asheville

Watch this space for details!  

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

 3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

"I don't know the key to success,

but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."

                    - Bill Cosby