Vol 4, Issue 4 

My husband absolutely refuses to shower!  I've nagged him, I've  refused to sleep with him, I've told him it's doctors orders, but nothing works.  I've offered to help, but that just makes him mad.  He claims he's already showered but I know he hasn't.  I've tried to just let it go and not get upset, but I'm embarrassed because he smells.  Help!

Nobody knows for sure why bathing seems to be such a problem for many persons with memory loss, but it is certainly a common challenge for caregivers.  Maybe the person is afraid of the water?  Maybe he doesn't like the shower spray hitting him in the face?  Maybe he's unsure about how to turn on the faucet?  Maybe he doesn't like the mirrors in the bathroom?  There could be a hundred reasons why all of a sudden your husband has stopped bathing.  And although nobody ever died just from being dirty, it's still a health problem as well as a social one.

It sounds as if you've tried lots of the usual solutions, to no avail.  It might now be time to call in the troops.  It's hard to understand, but many times a person with dementia will do for a stranger what they won't do for the person closest to them.  We have seen countless situations where a caregiver has tried over and over again to get their spouse to bathe, only to stand by in amazement when a home health aide gets it done with little to no resistance!   

The advantage of having someone else come to your home to take charge of hygiene is obvious:  THEY become the heavy, not you.  Caring for a person with dementia is hard enough when things are going smoothly - there's no need for you to continue battling with your husband over this issue when you can delegate it to someone else. 

Contact at least two home health agencies in your area (ask your friends or local support groups for referrals) and let them send someone to your home to assess your situation.  Disclose right up front what the problem is, and what you expect from their services.  Emphasize that they will be working with a person with dementia.  A reputable agency will have had experience in this area and will know how to proceed.  You should probably not tell your husband about the arrangements until just before the aide is scheduled to arrive, so that he doesn't have a lot of time to worry or become resistant.  See what the agency suggests about introducing the person to your husband.  And although you've already used the "doctor's orders" excuse before, it stands a better chance of working when someone other than you brings it up.

Be aware that most agencies require a minimum amount of time to send an aide to your home.  So if the shower process takes only 30 minutes and you're paying for two hours, have some other ideas in place to fill the remainder of the time - for instance, if your husband likes to garden, the aide might accompany him to the potting shed or help him with the weeding or trimming.  If he likes to talk about his Army experiences, have a scrapbook or album handy that the aide can ask about.  Be sure the aide knows in advance about things they can do together, such as feeding the birds or working a jigsaw puzzle - don't leave it up to your husband to make the suggestion.  And never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement:  after the shower is finished might be a great time for the two of them to share some ice cream or other favorite treat. This way, the visit from the aide quickly becomes more about the things he likes to do, and less about the shower.  

It's difficult to think that you need to hire someone to help with something as simple as bathing, but as someone once said, desperate times call for desperate measures.   Don't get misled by thinking, "Oh, my husband will never go for having a stranger help him shower!"  If it wasn't a common solution, there wouldn't be so many agencies out there offering the service!   Give it a try; you can always cancel if it doesn't work out, but on the positive side, you stand a very good chance of getting your clean, nice-smelling husband back!

For more information on bathing and dementia, Click here

to read "How to Get an Alzheimer's Patient to Take a Bath" by Carole Larkin.

 Inside Alzheimer's

Alzheimer's could never be called good. 

Like Hurricane Katrina, or 9/11, or a tornado, or an earthquake, Alzheimer's could not be wished on anyone. 

Yet out of it can come a joy that has taken me by surprise.

So writes Dr. David Hilfiker - physician, lecturer, teacher, and Alzheimer's patient. 

In his ongoing blog, "Watching the Lights Go Out - A Memoir from Inside Alzheimer's Disease," David shares with his readers his moving and sometimes unusual views about living with Alzheimer's. 

Here is how he describes his journey:

I will not sugarcoat my experiences, however. I wish I did not have Alzheimer's and would sacrifice a lot to be rid of it. But that's not one of the possibilities. So I will welcome this period of my life. Paradoxically it has so far been one of the happiest periods in my life.
 

 

  

• Adult Health and Memory Screening (12:30-1:30)
• Video:  "A Family's Journey"
• Presentation:  "On the Road to Alzheimer's Disease Prevention & Cure by 2025 - Are We There Yet?" by Burnsville resident and MemoryCare physician Dr. Tom Kaluzynski
• Live staged reading:  "Steering into the Skid"
• Question and Answer session

  

*** Caregiver Workshop ***

  

 Caregivers Need to be Cared For Too -

Caring for the Caregiver

  

presented by

Paula Hartman-Stein, Ph.D.

nationally-known clinical geropsychologist

  

This interactive workshop will focus on coping strategies that include physical, emotional, and spiritual elements. Participants will learn practical ways to prevent or reduce depression and emotional overload, and enhance quality of life for both the carer and care recipient.

  

  

Thursday, August 29, 2013

2:00 - 4:30 pm  

First Baptist Church

5 Oak Street, Downtown Asheville

  

  

Free and open to the public.  Registration is required. 

To register, please call 828.274.4801 (when you hear the "Cisco" message, enter extension 2249).

  

Sponsored by

 

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SLIP of the TONGUE

Oops!  You know there are certain "buzzwords" that you should try to avoid when talking to someone with memory loss....but they just slip out before you can stop them!    That's OK, it takes practice to revamp your vocabulary. 

You can start with these:

STOP SAYING:

"Don't you remember when we....??? 

     SAY INSTEAD:

"I remember when we...."

     STOP SAYING: 

"Why don't you want to take a shower?"     

     SAY INSTEAD:

"What bothers you about taking a shower?" 

      STOP SAYING:

"Do you know my name?"

      SAY INSTEAD:

"My name is Suzy" or "I'm your wife Joan.  I'm so glad to see you today."

       STOP SAYING:

"Do you want to go to.....?"

      SAY INSTEAD:

"Let's go to ...." or "Today's the day we go to..."

       STOP SAYING:

"What are you reading/doing/watching?"

       SAY INSTEAD:

"Are you enjoying that?" or "Is this a good book/program?"

THEY

SAID

 WHAT??????

There's a rumor going 'round that JUST AIN'T SO!

 You do NOT have to be enrolled in MemoryCare, nor do you need to have a doctor's referral, to attend the MemoryCaregivers Network Support and Education Groups! 

All of the groups are OPEN TO THE PUBLIC at any time,

and they're free!

(although we welcome your donations to help us continue!) 

If you or anyone you know is struggling with the challenges of caring for a person with memory loss, don't wait!  There's a MemoryCaregivers Network group meeting nearly every week where you can find the help, education, and support you need.

(see complete schedule in Caregiver Calendar below) 

______________________ 

CAREGIVER CALENDAR

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

 3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

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Memory Cafes  

For Those with Memory Loss and their Friends & Families   

First Baptist Church, Asheville
Third Thursdays 1-3pm
5 Oak Street, Asheville, 28801
828-252-4781
lbrown@fbca.net 

Calvary Episcopal Church, Fletcher
Third Saturdays 2-4pm
2940 Hendersonville Road, Fletcher 28732
828-684-6266
bettyrobbins@morrisbb.net 

Unitarian Universalist Congrergation of Asheville
First Wednesdays 2-4pm
Charlotte Street and Edwin Place, Asheville 28801
828-254-6001
asstminister@uuasheville.org 

Senior Resource Center of Haywood County
First Mondays, 1-3 pm
81 Elmwood Way, Waynesville 28786
828-452-2370
shendrix@mountainprojects.org 

New!

First Baptist Church, Hendersonville

* Free and Open to the Public *

Come for Fun, Relaxation, and Socializing in a Caf�-like Setting!

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

"We are who we are, 

even if we sometimes forget." 

- Agent "K", Men in Black II

VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITY

MemoryCare relies on charitable donations for operations.  Please consider MemoryCare in your estate planning.