Caregiver Network News

Treatment and Support for Families Affected by Alzheimer's and other Memory Disorders

January-February 2013

Vol 4, Issue 1

Forget-Me-Nots

forget-me-nots

Caregiver

Network

News

A newsletter for
caregivers of loved ones
with memory loss

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

January is typically a time for making New Year's Resolutions. Many of us find ourselves saying the same "This year I'm going to..." year after year: lose weight, start exercising, clean out the garage, finish that quilt I started six years ago. As often as not, these declarations involve either giving up something that we like, or adding yet another item to our growing list of "shoulds."

Is it any wonder that 88% of New Year's Resolutions fail?

Those of us who are caring for someone with memory loss tend to have a different set of resolutions - things like, "I will be more patient with my husband's moods" or "I will not snap at my mother when she asks me the same question over and over again" or "I won't complain when my wife loses things." If you've been doing this job for a while, you know how hard it is to keep those resolutions.

It's no wonder. Our time and energy are maxed out. We have all we can do just to get through a typical day. We are the last person on our list to get taken care of. We are struggling with constant change and emotional loss. So the last thing we need is to take on more responsibility, to add yet another job to our "To Do" list. One caregiver says, "I use up the energy of two people, not just one." What we need to do is to find ways to bank our energy, not deplete it. We need to move ourselves higher up along the care chain.

We don't need any more resolutions. What we need are just solutions.

Caregivers seldom see the forest for the trees. We think we can simply go on doing what we've been doing indefinitely. But that kind of thinking will catch up with us sooner or later, and when it does, the resulting situation is worse than before. It's much like a farmer and his plowhorse. An overworked horse eventually can't work. A well-cared-for horse, one that is frequently given time in the pasture to roll on his superman back in the clover, does a much better job.

We as caregivers tend to think of ourselves as Superman. We subscribe to the foolish idea that we can Do It All Ourselves. But the first rule of caregiving is simply this:

If we don't care for ourselves, we can't care for our loved ones.

So as you read through the following list of Caregiver ReSolutions, keep this thought in mind: Every time I do something good for myself, I'm also doing something good for the person I'm caring for.

I will make a ME list.

This will be all the things that bring you joy, that feed your soul, that refuel your energy. These can be big things (a trip to the beach) or small things (an uninterrupted two hours to watch Downton Abbey). They can be once-in-a-while things (going to the movies with a friend) or everyday things (reading or gardening). Write them down - write them ALL down - and add to the list whenever something else occurs to you. You can start it with "If I had time, I would love to _______." We'll discuss later how to use your ME list.

I will talk to somebody I like every day.

It could be your best friend, your sister, another caregiver - anybody who loves you and encourages you and just makes you feel good. Don't wait for them to call you, pick up the phone now and call them, and make a daily habit of it.

I will change one thing in each room of my home.

Maybe it's new towels in the bathroom, or a fun set of salt and pepper shakers for the kitchen table, or rearranged furniture in the living room, or a colorful pillow on the bed. Even cleaning off your desk or getting rid of some old clothes counts. Choose just one thing, something that makes you feel good whenever you see it.

I will let go of something negative.

You've heard it before, but now that you're a caregiver, you really need to do it. Pick just one job (I hate balancing the checkbook) or one loss (I wish we still traveled) or one thing your loved one does that really aggravates you (If he asks me that same thing again I think I'll scream). Pick whatever it is that brings you down. Write it down, read it out loud, then tear it up and throw it away. Literally and figuratively. It is sucking up your energy. If you can't fix it, or change it, or eliminate it, then let it go. You won't believe how much better you'll feel.

I will get outside at least once a day.

This can mean going for a 30-minute walk, or just standing out in the yard in the sunshine for a few minutes. Gardening counts. So does leaning on a fence and talking to a neighbor, or walking down to the mailbox. You can't believe what a little fresh air will do for you. Even driving around the block in the car is acceptable. Note: it's OK if it's raining. That's what raincoats and umbrellas are for.

I will admit when I'm having a hard day.

You can't expect to be up all the time. It's OK to admit to feeling frustrated or sad or discouraged. This works best if you can tell a trusted friend or family member, preferably over a cup of coffee and a piece of pie, but it's also effective to write it down or go somewhere out of earshot of anyone else and say it out loud. Don't pull any punches, call it like it is. You'll feel better for having said it, and it'll get you through until you can vent to someone else.

I will start a HELP list.

Not to be confused with your ME list, this is a list of things that maybe would ease your life a little. For instance, someone to wash your windows. Someone to get the car inspected or get new tires. Someone to bring you a meal from time to time. Someone to stay with your loved one while you go out for lunch or run errands or attend a meeting. Someone to haul away the empty flowerpots in the back yard. Don't forget those everyday things that need repair or replacement: the leaky faucet in the kitchen, the TV remote or cell phone that needs reprogramming, the vacuum cleaner that doesn't vacuum, the light fixture you can't reach that needs a new bulb. Don't worry about WHO or WHEN or HOW these jobs will get done, just identify them for now. Like you do with your ME list, add to your HELP list every time something else occurs to you.

I will look for ways to laugh.

This one pays big dividends. Read all those email jokes people send you. Print out the good ones to re-read later. Put funny magnets and funny photos on the refrigerator where you see them every day. Watch comedy TV shows or movies. Laugh at yourself whenever possible, and find things to laugh about with your loved one. If necessary, put a big sign up somewhere with BANG HEAD HERE on it. Readers Digest was right - laughter really is the best medicine, and for a dementia caregiver, it is a very present help in time of need.

And perhaps the most important Caregiver ReSolution for 2013:

I WILL ALLOW someone else to help!

This one is the biggie, the Grand Prize Winner, the gold medal of ReSolutions. This one incorporates most of the rest of them: it gives you the opportunity to use your HELP list, it allows you to let go of something negative (I could never let someone else do this), it's admitting to having a tough time of it and boy, would you like to share the burden, and it's a great way to do some of those things you put on your ME list! Besides, it's a boon to those people who are always asking if there's something they can do, and you always say no!

So here's how you get started:

Step One: review your HELP list, and imagine who could do each item. For instance, your nice neighbor who's always offering to do something could come over for an hour or two while you run errands. Or your Sunday School class could bring you dinner once a week. Or your son or brother could take the car to be serviced.

Step Two: Ask. Or, if that's too hard at first, wait for someone to offer to help. Then be ready to tell them how.

Step Three: Pick something from your ME list and go do it.

Step Four: Repeat often, at least weekly. For some people, this would mean a one-time request. Others prefer to have something regularly scheduled ("ME Mondays," for example). Do it however it works best - but do it. And remember, it doesn't have to be someone you know. Hiring someone to do a job (cleaning, shopping, yard work, sitting with your loved one) definitely counts as Help, and is a great option if you just can't quite bring yourself to asking a friend or family member yet.

You may be resisting, you may think it won't work, but don't knock it 'til you've tried it. If it wasn't a good idea, there wouldn't be so many caregivers out there doing it!

You are doing a difficult but vital job, and like the plowhorse, you need some R&R. Even Superman didn't work 24/7. In the words of the airline safety instructions, "Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others."

So pick something from this list and get started looking after yourself today!

(send your caregiving questions to network@memorycare.org)

UPCOMING EVENTS

Hands-On Communication Skills:

Caring for Someone with Dementia

presented by

Melanie Bunn, RN, MS, GNP

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

5:30-6:30 pm

Aston Park Healthcare Center

Free and open to the public. To register, call 828.253.4437

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The Sacred Journey of Dementia

A conference for people who have been diagnosed with dementia,

their caregivers, professionals, and community members

Keynote Speaker:

Lisa Verges, MD

Geriatric Psychiatrist at MemoryCare

Saturday, April 13, 2013

8:30 - 4:00

First Baptist Church, Asheville

For more information contact

Jane Sherman, Early Memory Loss Collaborative

845.641.4680 or janeshermanllc@mac.com

partially funded by N.C. Office on Aging and Adult Services

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Save the Date!

An Evening of One-Act Plays on Caregiving

A benefit performance of three original works presented as staged readings

This special evening will showcase three works chosen in a juried competition from over 90 submissions from playwrights across the country.

The winners will be decided by audience vote on the night of the performance!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Reception 6:15

Performance at 7pm followed by dessert and awards presentation

Grace Centre

495 Cardinal Road, Mills River, NC 28759

(3.3 miles west of Asheville Regional Airport on Brevard Road, Hwy. 280)

$15 admission

All proceeds benefit families served by MemoryCare

Please call to reserve tickets:

828.274.4801 (when you hear CISCO prompt, enter ext. #2249 and leave a message).

More information available at

www.memorycare.org

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A VISIT TO OUR RESOURCE LIBRARY

MemoryCare's Lebedeff Eldercare Resource Center provides information to the public on healthy aging, exercise, nutrition, spirituality, age-related illnesses (with an extensive section on memory disorders), caregiving, community resources, ethics and end-of-life care. Books, videos, pamphlets, and journals on these and related topics are available for review and free checkout. This resource room is for anyone who wants to learn more about aging issues: middle aged and older adults, caregivers, and professionals in aging disciplines.

books

This Month's Staff Pick:

Making Rounds with Oscar

Dr. David Dosa

Pat Hilgendorf says: "Dr. Dosa was the physician for a nursing home in Rhode Island. This is a true story of his heartfelt experiences with Oscar, the cat who showed him how to see things a little differently and how important it is to just "be" with the residents. This book is both funny and poignant, and gives us remarkable insight into an area that is often misunderstood."

Pat Hilgendorf is the co-facilitator of The MemoryCaregivers Network Education and Support Groups.

calendar

CAREGIVER CALENDAR

"MEMORYCAREGIVERS NETWORK" SUPPORT & EDUCATION

* Free & Open to the Public *

FLETCHER GROUP

First Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Fletcher 7th Day Adventist Church

Howard Gap Road and Naples Road, Fletcher, N.C.

(just past Park Ridge Hospital)

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

New Hope Presbyterian Church

3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

(across from Givens Estates)

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

For more information on any of the above groups, contact:

Mary Donnelly Pat Hilgendorf

828.230.4143 828.645.9189

network@memorycare.org patricia.hilgendorf@gmail.com

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"CAREGIVER COLLEGE"
MemoryCare's educational series for caregivers, offered quarterly

A series of 6 two-hour lectures for caregivers of persons with memory disorders. Sessions are designed to im-prove caregiver understanding of different aspects of dementia care. The instructor for the course will be a staff member of the MemoryCare team. Slides and handouts will be available. Space is limited, please register in advance. There is no fee for caregivers enrolled in MemoryCare and for others, attendance is $65.00.

Course Content:

What Is Dementia?

Transitioning from Independence to Interdependence

Functional and Behaviorial Changes of Dementia

Dementia Treatment Options

Maintaining Your Own Health

Conclusions/Guest Speakers

Asheville Class starting March 12, 2013

Dr. Margaret Noel, Instructor

4:00-6:00pm

MAHEC Educational Building, Balsam Room

Waynesville Class starting April 2, 2012

Dr. Lisa Verges, Instructor

4:00-6:00pm

Haywood County Senior Resource Center

For more information or to register,

contact MemoryCare at 828.771.2219 or office@memorycare.org.

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OTHER COMMUNITY SUPPORT GROUPS:

(visit www.memorycare.org for a more complete listing of local support services)

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Memory Loss Caregivers of East Buncombe

An education & support group