Vol 3, Issue 11

HAVE A SIMPLER, MORE ENJOYABLE HOLIDAY

By Guest Columnist Mel Kelley, Early Memory Loss Collaborative

 
Holidays can be a stressful time for any of us. 

For folks with memory loss and their caregivers they can be challenging and even isolating. 

For a happier, healthier holiday try these simple suggestions.

1. Keep the gathering small...6-8 people max if you can. If you must have more than 8, set two tables in separate areas far enough apart that you can't hear conversation from one table to the other.

 
2. Communicate with all guests beforehand inviting them to join you in making the day more manageable for the person with dementia. Explain to them that your goal will be A QUIETER holiday...one person speaking at a time, everyone else listening. Keep distractions to a minimum.  Even beloved and well-mannered pets can be bothersome to someone who isn't used to them.  No TV or other noise in the background. If music is part of your tradition choose soft instrumental pieces during meals and conversation time. 

 
3. Plan your party in the 12-4 time period if possible. Many folks with dementia are challenged by sundowning late in the day. If the event lasts longer than 2-3 hours, arrange for your loved one to leave for a time of rest and quiet.  

4.  Make the most of a "teachable moment" with young people before the day begins, i.e. "Grandpa can't focus as well as he used to but he loves a holiday. Let's all work together to create a special day for him. We are so blessed and lucky to have him and Gran with us. How can you make it better for him?"
 
5. Honor your caregiver guests by "giving them a break" if possible. Designate a familiar adult or older grandchild as "Grandpa's buddy" thereby freeing up the caregiver to connect with family members and get lots of support and love.
 
6. Set a table with clear color variations...i.e. white plates on a colored tablecloth or colored plates on a white cloth. Folks with dementia often have depth perception and other vision issues. Prepare in advance for caregivers to cut meat, butter bread, or otherwise prepare the plate before taking it to the table as to not embarrass your guest. Allow them to do their best at the table without comment.
 
7. Make sure you have more than one gathering area for before and after the meal. Designate one the QUIET area. No more than 3 or 4 people in here at a time. Family members and friends may take turns to visit with Grandpa one on one. 

 
8. Try to include your special guest as much as possible. If they want to help, let them do so in whatever way they can, perhaps teaming them with a grown child or an older grandchild. If they carried a family tradition in the past...carving the turkey, saying the blessing, reciting a poem, try to find a way for them to do so this year too.
 
9. Surprise your guests with enough leftovers for at least one full meal. Caregivers will be extra delighted!

 
 
BE FULLY PRESENT and savor each moment of this special day!

No, that's not a misprint in the title. 

Tis the season for giving presents.  Holiday shopping ads, Black Friday sales, and longer store hours send us the yearly message that everything we want is in a store somewhere.  But sometimes the best thing you can give may be something you can't find in a store:  the gift of yourself.

Chances are that someone on your gift list is living with memory loss - a parent or grandparent, a friend or neighbor.  Many of them are losing more than just memories:  some of them may have had to give up their homes, or stop driving their cars, or drop out of activities in which they can no longer participate.  It's often difficult to understand what to give to persons in these situations.  An apron for Grandma, a tie for Grandpa, a book about sailboats for a weekend boater?  While these might have been thoughtful and appreciated in the recipient's earlier years, they may not be as appropriate now, and can sometimes even serve as a sad reminder of what once was. 

What we need to keep in mind - what people who live with the disease have clearly told us - is that they don't want a bunch of new gee-gaws or the latest gadgets.  They want human connection - meaningful, one-on-one, in-the-moment time with a loved one. 

It's not as easy as it sounds.  We live in a fast-paced society, and it seems to speed up during the holiday season.  We are busy, rushed, in a hurry.  There's lots of hustle and bustle, more coming and going, constant decorating and wrapping, extra noise and little quiet.  All of this is stressful for a person with memory loss.  So in the midst of all this hubbub, look for deliberate ways to slow down with your loved one:  a stroll down a quiet street, a leisurely chat about what's on their mind at the moment, an hour or so working on a puzzle or listening to familiar holiday music, a companionable cup of tea and a cookie while watching the birds on the feeder - each of these could serve as an oasis of calm in a sea of confusion.  Conversation is nice but not required.  The goal is simply to be alongside.

The benefits of Being Present aren't limited to those with the disease.  Caregivers are feeling the same stress as everyone else this time of year, and a couple of hours of quiet time would go a long way towards helping them cope with the  demands of the season.  A few caring questions ("How has this been for you?"  "What's the hardest thing you're dealing with now?") over lunch would be sweeter than dessert, and have a lot less calories!

This is not to say that there are no good gifts for those living with the challenges of memory loss.  Quite the contrary.  But do not underestimate the value of your undivided attention.  Your presence could very well be the best present your loved one receives. 

"Wherever you are, be all there."  

- Jim Elliot

A VISIT TO OUR RESOURCE LIBRARY

MemoryCare's Lebedeff Eldercare Resource Center provides information to the public on healthy aging, exercise, nutrition, spirituality, age-related illnesses (with an extensive section on memory disorders), caregiving, community resources, ethics and end-of-life care. Books, videos, pamphlets, and journals on these and related topics are available for review and free checkout. This resource room is for anyone who wants to learn more about aging issues: middle aged and older adults, caregivers, and professionals in aging disciplines.

    This Month's Staff Pick: 

Protecting Your Parent's Money, The Essential Guide to Helping Mom and Dad Navigate the Finances of Retirement  

               by 

       Jeff D. Opdyke 

Dr. Noel says:  "Opdyke, a writer for the Wall Street Journal, delivers a very practical book for anyone who needs a road map to understand the finances of aging. Despite the "parenting your parent" angle that can be disconcerting, I'd recommend it as a beneficial read for older adult parents AND their middle aged children. It covers communication pointers (this is a hugely private matter for most individuals) and important topics including creating income streams for retirement (annuities, reverse mortgages, social security), understanding what Medicare and Medicaid do and don't cover, and financing in home and long term care. There are helpful worksheets to facilitate organizing financial information." 

Dr. Peggy Noel is the Founder and Director Emeritus of MemoryCare.     

CAREGIVER CALENDAR

                         

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

 3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

NOTE:  Due to December's fourth Tuesday falling on Christmas Day, the Weaverville Group

will be meeting on Wednesday, December 19 instead, same time and place.   

____________________________________________________________________________________

Memory Cafes  

For Those with Memory Loss and their Friends & Families   

First Baptist Church, Asheville
Third Thursdays (December 20, January 17), 1-3pm
5 Oak Street, Asheville, 28801
828-252-4781
lbrown@fbca.net 

Calvary Episcopal Church, Fletcher
Third Saturdays (December 15, January 19)), 2-4pm
2940 Hendersonville Road, Fletcher 28732
828-684-6266
bettyrobbins@morrisbb.net 

Unitarian Universalist Congrergation of Asheville
First Wednesdays (December 5, January 9), 2-4pm
Charlotte Street and Edwin Place, Asheville 28801
828-254-6001
asstminister@uuasheville.org 

Senior Resource Center of Haywood County
First Mondays (January 7), 1-3pm
81 Elmwood Way, Waynesville 28786
828-452-2370
shendrix@mountainprojects.org 

* Free and Open to the Public *

Come for Fun, Relaxation, and Socializing in a Café-like Setting!

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

"Cheers to a new year

and another chance for us to get it right." 

~Oprah Winfrey

  

MemoryCare relies on charitable donations for operations.  Please consider MemoryCare in your estate planning.