Caregiver Network News

Treatment and Support for Families Affected by Alzheimer's and other Memory Disorders

October 2012

Vol 3, Issue 9

Forget-Me-Nots

forget-me-nots

Caregiver

Network

News

A newsletter for
caregivers of loved ones
with memory loss

AN INTERVIEW with a CAREGIVER

woman silhouette

Who are you caring for?

My husband, who is 72. He was diagnosed 3 years ago with Alzheimer's Disease. We've been married for 53 years. He was a banker and very involved in the business community. We married right out of college. He was always very loving and affectionate, with a wonderful sense of humor, and very easy to talk to. He even made it easy to have an argument because he could always see beyond whatever we were arguing about. Our disagreements were few and short.

How has his memory loss changed him?

It didn't seem all that bad at first - just forgetting dates, people's names, things like that. But it kept getting worse. Now he doesn't talk much anymore - not to me, not to our friends, not even to his children. He used to enjoy doing things and going places, but now all he wants to do is sit on the patio or in his den. He doesn't' even like watching movies any more, something we've always enjoyed doing together. He's not as affectionate as he used to be. He would kiss or hug me several times a day, now he doesn't do it at all unless I go up to him first. He seems to be losing interest in most of the things he used to enjoy - taking care of the yard and garden, going out to eat, going to his club meetings. He just says, "No, I don't feel like it" when I ask him. He still reads the paper every day but doesn't want to talk about any of it, which isn't like him. It seems like he's just withdrawing from life.

What do you miss most?

Having my life partner. Talking over the day's events, catching up at the end of the day. We used to do that over dinner, keeping up with what each of us did during the day. Now our meals are very quiet. It's strange, even though I don't live alone, I feel very lonely most of the time.

What's the hardest part of caregiving for you?

His anger. He never used to get angry, certainly not at me or at the people close to him. Now he seems to get mad over any little thing, something he never did before. Sometimes he just doesn't make sense. I can handle the memory problems, his forgetting things and repeating himself over and over - but this personality change is the worst. Sometimes he's just not the man I married. All through our marriage we've been able to handle our disagreements by talking them out, but those days are over. I feel gypped. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Has the rest of your family noticed the changes?

We have two children who live several hundred miles away. We told them about his diagnosis as soon as we knew, and they were sympathetic, but you know how it is - they have their busy lives, they're not here much, and they just don't see all the day-to-day changes that I see. He can rise to the occasion and appear almost like his old self when they call or visit, and they'll say, "Gosh, Mom, Dad seems just fine." I feel like screaming!

What would make caregiving a little easier for you?

If I had some time for myself. I am doing nearly everything now - the cooking, the shopping, the checkbook, the yard -- a lot of jobs that I never had to think about before, like hiring someone to clean out the gutters or getting the car inspected. I never realized how much time all that takes up, how exhausting it is to have all the responsibility. Because I can't leave him alone for more than an hour or so, I don't often get to do all those things I used to take for granted - going to lunch with a friend, or going shopping, or taking a quilt class. And when I do go out, I'm still worried about him. Once when I was at a birthday lunch with friends, my neighbor called because she had seen him walking up and down the street looking for me. I had told him where I was going and even left him a note, but he just didn't remember it. Even when I'm home I don't have any time for myself. He follows me around from room to room and I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Leave me alone for a little while!" He takes naps most every day, which is the only time I can get anything done.

Are there still some good days?

Well, a few. Every now and then I see a glimmer of his old self, when we're taking a walk or maybe watching an old movie that he remembers. He likes having an ice cream cone, and always wants a taste of mine. I pretend to be selfish and tell him there's not enough to share, and he thinks that's so funny! Sometimes out of the blue he'll say something witty or make a joke, and that's wonderful. It feels so good to laugh together. And sometimes he'll tell me how much he loves me, and I know he really means it, he's not just saying the words. That helps me remember what I'm here for. I feel like I'm honoring our wedding vows, "in sickness and in health."

Ed. note: This loving wife cared for her husband at home for another six months after this interview, at which time she made the decision that he could be cared for better in a local dementia-care facility. She visits him several times a week. He doesn't always know her name, but he's always happy to see her.

She can still make him laugh sometimes.

(send your caregiving questions to network@memorycare.org)

Having Trouble with Words?

Try a Word Game!

One of the things we hear a lot in our support group meetings is how loved ones with dementia don't seem to want to talk much. This isn't surprising: a common symptom of memory loss is having trouble with spoken language. Well-meaning caregivers will often ask too many questions or give too much information when speaking with their loved ones, which can cause even more confusion or frustration in the person with memory loss.

However, there are other ways you can can engage a memory-impaired person in conversation. Most don't like to be barraged by a lot of questions. Sometimes it's easier for them to connect with familiar words and phrases that are stored deeper in their language/memory banks. Many of these older memories are easier to retrieve than you might think. Try sitting down with your loved one and asking them to help you fill in the blanks on the following list of familiar pairs. Even if they're not interested in "playing games," chances are pretty good they'll be able to complete most of them once they get going. It may not take the place of the conversation you used to enjoy, but it might provide a welcome chance to share some time together.

1. Romeo and ________________________

2. Samson and _______________________

3. Bonnie and ________________________

4. Tweedledee and ____________________

5. Fred Astaire and ___________________

6. Gilbert and _______________________

7. Smith and ________________________

8. Barnum and _______________________

9. Sears and ________________________

10. The Lone Ranger and ________________

11. Jack and ________________________

12. Currier and _______________________

13. Bread and ________________________

14. Tippecanoe and ____________________

15. Laurel and _______________________

answers:
1.Juliet 2.Delilah 3.Clyde 4.Tweedledum 5.Ginger Rogers 6.Sullivan 7.Wesson 8.Bailey 9.Roebuck 10.Tonto 11.Jill

12. Ives 13.Butter 14.Tyler Too 15.Hardy

A VISIT TO OUR RESOURCE LIBRARY

MemoryCare's Lebedeff Eldercare Resource Center provides information to the public on healthy aging, exercise, nutrition, spirituality, age-related illnesses (with an extensive section on memory disorders), caregiving, community resources, ethics and end-of-life care. Books, videos, pamphlets, and journals on these and related topics are available for review and free checkout. This resource room is for anyone who wants to learn more about aging issues: middle aged and older adults, caregivers, and professionals in aging disciplines.

books

This Month's Staff Pick:

The Secret Life of the Grown-Up Brain

Barbara Straugh

Dr. Kaluzynski says: "This book is well-written, hits the highlights on some of the latest research relating to brain aging and brain health, and has good information and insights from the author's interviews with various neurocognitive scientists."

Dr. Tom Kaluzynski joined the MemoryCare staff in 2006 after practicing internal medicine and geriatrics in Burnsville

and Spruce Pine for over twenty years. He is a past president of the North Carolina chapter of the American College of

Physicians, and holds appointment as a Clinical Assistant Professor at UNC-Chapel Hill's School of Medicine. Dr. Kal

is the director of MemoryCare's satellite clinic in Burnsville. He lives in Burnsville with his wife Linda Kinnane.

EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM

Regional Caregiver Education Conference

Thursday, October 25, 2012

8:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.

Biltmore Baptist Church

35 Clayton Road (just off Exit 50A, I-40), Asheville 28803

Registration $10 for family caregivers, $25 professionals/CECs
Fee includes lunch, snacks, and contact hours

For more information, contact:

Alzheimer's Association's Western Carolina Chapter

800.272.3900

infonc@alz.org

YOU ARE INVITED TO ATTEND...

Project WE CARE of Henderson County is holding TWO events in October!

Neighbor Helping Neighbor BBQ

Dine In or Take Out

Friday, October 12

10am - 3pm

Carolina Village Assisted Living
703 Carolina Village Rd, Hendersonville
828.692.6275 *243

BBQ and Bluegrass Jamboree and

Hendersonville Antique Car Club Cruise-In

Music by Pickin' N Poundin'

Friday, October 19

5:30 pm (before Hendersonville's home football game)

Opportunity House

1411 Asheville Hwy, Hendersonville

Proceeds from both events will support:

* MemoryCare

* Council on Aging for Henderson County

* Project C.A.R.E. (Caregiver Alternatives to Running on Empty)

_______________________________________________________________________

Second Annual

Fun Friday for Family Caregivers!

Are you caring for a family member or friend?
Give yourself a break --

Come laugh with us!

Friday, November 9
10am - 2pm

Calvary Episcopal Church
2840 Hendersonville Road, Fletcher

Please Register by November 2
828.645.9189 or patricia.hilgendorf@gmail.com

Celebrating National Family Caregiver Month with

Land-of-Sky Regional Council's Family Caregiver Support Program and Local Caregiver Agencies

_________________________________________________________________________________________

CAREGIVER CALENDAR

MEMORYCAREGIVERS NETWORK SUPPORT GROUPS

* Free & Open to the Public *

PARK RIDGE GROUP

First Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Fletcher 7th Day Adventist Church

Howard Gap Road and Naples Road, Fletcher, N.C.

(just past Park Ridge Hospital)

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

New Hope Presbyterian Church

3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

(across from Givens Estates)

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

For more information on any of the above groups, contact:

Mary Donnelly Pat Hilgendorf

828.230.4143 828.645.9189

network@memorycare.org patricia.hilgendorf@gmail.com

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Memory Loss Caregivers

of East Buncombe

An education & support group